Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List

• December 1
  Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
• December 2
  Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
• December 3
  Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
• December 4
  Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
• December 5
  Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
• December 6
  Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
• December 7
  Debug Windows '95
• December 10
  Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
• December 11
  Lay Faberge egg.
• December 12
  Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
• December 13
  Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
• December 14
  Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
• December 15
  Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
• December 17
  Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
• December 19
  Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
• December 20
  Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
• December 21
  Drain Lake Asburton reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
• December 22
  Float votive candles in toilet tank.
• December 23
  Seed clouds for white Christmas.
• December 24
  Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
• December 25
  Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
• December 26
  Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
• December 27
  Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
• December 31
  New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

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