What an interesting year 1997 turned out to be, even without a squeak from Ross Perot. It was hard to find a dull moment, except perhaps during that perennial snoozer, the Super Bowl.

    As I peer into my crystal ball, I see that 1998 will be even more entertaining. People will laugh so hard at ordinary events that comedians will lose their jobs. Somber TV shows will dominate the ratings, notably "Homicide" and a new teen drama called "Suicide."

    Some other bold predictions for 1998:

    ---The Secret Service, hoping to improve Bill Clinton's safety, will recommend hiring a trainer to teach the president's new dog, Buddy, how to bite potential attackers. Clinton, intent on improving race relations, will offer this White House job to a minority: Mike Tyson. Acclaimed attorney Johnnie Cochran will immediately file a discrimination suit against the president on behalf of his more experienced and equally unemployed client, Marv Albert. Boxing promoter Don King will jump at the opportunity to promote a tussle between Tyson and Albert, asking fans not to miss "The Bite of the Century."

    ---In a move to improve her show's ratings, Rosie O'Donnell will call a press conference to say, "Yep, I'm gay." Other talk show hosts will also say they're gay, taking a cue from sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres, who will quickly rescue Kathie Lee Gifford from all men, especially that "no-good, cheating husband." Oprah Winfrey will come out of the closet only after forcing her longtime boyfriend to get into the closet. He will promptly find a skeleton in her closet and confirm what I have long suspected -- that the slim Oprah is an imposter who must have killed the fat Oprah.

    ---After abandoning his highly rated TV sitcom "Seinfeld" -- despite a salary of $1 million per episode -- Jerry Seinfeld will enter the real world and be shocked to discover that the minimum wage isn't $515 an hour. American Express will drop him as a spokesman after he fails to pay his bills and is caught by the paparazzi raiding a next-door neighbor's refrigerator.

    ---Bill Gates, the Microsoft tycoon, will become so wealthy, he will offer to write a check to pay off the national debt. In exchange, he will ask the president for a key to the Lincoln Bedroom, a plot in Arlington National Cemetery, and a new name for the country: United Gates of America.

    ---Latrell Sprewell, the professional basketball player who was banned for attacking his coach, will seek advice from another basketball bad boy, Dennis Rodman, and promptly write a best-selling book. A CNN survey will reveal that all the books were purchased by people with plenty of money and no life. Cochran, the attorney who defended O.J. Simpson and was recently hired by Sprewell, will advise his client to deny attacking the coach and begin a search for the real attacker.

    ---The National Transportation Safety Board will finally solve the mystery of TWA Flight 800, blaming the tragic plane crash on El Nino. Al Gore will protest, saying the crash was at least partly due to global warming.

    ---To complement its new-look Barbie doll, Mattel Inc. will make a realistic Ken doll, with less hair and more waist. Ken will come with special sound-effects: When his eyes are open, he'll burp; when they're closed, he'll snore. The doll will teach young girls that men aren't perfect and perhaps Ellen's smart.

    ---A million men will once again rally in Washington D.C. President Clinton, his former advisor Dick Morris and sportscaster Frank Gifford will address the group, which will promptly be dubbed Promise Breakers.

    ---Paula Jones will drop her suit against the president after he offers to make her an ambassador. He will then try to send her to Iraq. Saddam Hussein will refuse to accept her, asserting that women should not be given positions outside the bedroom. Paula will say, "Bite me!" and will soon be courted by Marv Albert.

    It promises to be a fun year.