MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
"BOMBARDED BY TELEVISION COMMERCIALS"

     The other day, I was watching a bunch of commercials on NBC, when all of a sudden, the network decided to take a program break.

     "What's this?" I thought, hitting my head to restart my brain. "A comedy, drama or soap opera? Or maybe it's another 'Dateline.' I haven't seen one since yesterday."

     But before I could figure out what the show was about, the network returned to the commercials. Some of them were amazing: a horse kicked a football, a chicken played baseball, a professional athlete read a book.

     I switched channels to see if there was something interesting on the other networks, but all I found were more commercials. And most of them were reruns.

     You don't need a "Primetime" hidden-camera investigation to figure out what the networks are doing: they're gradually replacing their regular programs with commercials, which for some networks (WB, UPN) is an improvement.

     Indeed, a recent study found that the amount of prime-time commercial time has increased by nearly two minutes per hour in the 1990s. Two minutes can bring a network more than $1 million in advertising revenue, especially if it follows an announcement such as: "Coming up next: Monica Lewinsky tells all."

     Among the major broadcasters, hourly commercial time during prime time ranges from 14 minutes, 29 seconds for CBS to 15:54 for Fox. On daytime television, the networks show nearly 20 minutes of commercials and promotions per hour.

     Twenty minutes is a lot of time. In 20 minutes, the average American woman can accomplish one of the following: (a) comb her hair; (b) decide what to wear; (c) write her Christmas shopping list; (d) sort a month's dirty laundry by color and fabric; or (e) discuss her entire love life with a friend or a pet.

     In 20 minutes, the average American man can do ALL of this: drink three bottles of beer, cook four dinners in the microwave, complete his Christmas shopping, sort a month's dirty laundry by smell, change a light bulb and make love to his wife.

     But instead of doing these things, we sit in front of the TV and watch the commercials, much to the glee of the network executives, who enjoy seeing us get fat.

     The executives dream of the day when they can fill every prime-time hour with 10 minutes of programming and 50 minutes of beer ads.

     The ads would feature those Budweiser lizards and lots of other animals. They're much cheaper than athletes and they can act.

     Beer commercials, as everyone knows, are some of the most creative and innovative in the advertising industry. The people who design the commercials obviously don't sample too much of the product.

     On NBC, the programming would consist of an all-new "Dateline," followed by a must-see "Dateline," followed by an exclusive "Dateline."

     On ABC, we'd see Barbara Walters five nights a week, except when she takes her annual vacation to revitalize herself by lifting weights or her face.

     On CBS, "60 Minutes" would be turned into "10 Minutes." Poor Andy Rooney would get only 30 seconds. He'd really have something to complain about.