MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
"REPORTERS ALWAYS NEED GOOD SOURCES"

     When I'm not writing a column, I'm a regular newspaper reporter, creating articles that influence people and move them to action, such brisk action as turning to the next page.

     Being a reporter isn't easy. Unless you work for one of the tabloids, you're not allowed to write fiction.

     You have to do a lot of research for each article. By "research," I mean that you often have to search through some really big books, books with long names such as "The Sprint/United Telephone Directory." Then you have to call people and make them tell you everything they know.

     But you can't offer these people money for the information, because you need all your money for rent. (It's also unethical.)

     Such people are known as sources. Reporters have sources in all kinds of places: Congress, New Jersey, Bill Clinton's pants.

     Sources are sometimes cooperative, sometimes difficult. Even ordinary folks can be difficult.

     They don't like to answer certain questions, especially probing questions such as "How old are you?"

     At times, you don't even have to ask a single question. A source just keeps talking, telling you everything that's happened to them since kindergarten. And before you know it, your editor (boss) is standing beside your desk asking, "How's it going?"

     "How's it going?" is a polite way of asking, "Are you done yet?"

     At other times, a source keeps repeating those two words reporters hate the most (besides "No trespassing"): "No comment."

     The source refuses to talk to you about anything, even the weather. He's afraid he'll say something like "Isn't it a beautiful day?" and you'll write a sentence like this: Asked about the indictment of President Clinton's friends, Bob Smith said, "Isn't it a beautiful day?"

     Some people are savvy about dealing with reporters. Whenever they want to share some information, but don't want to be quoted, they say, "This is off the record."

     A woman I interviewed for a story on sexual harassment took this a step further. "If you put this in the paper," she said, "I'll come over there and hit you."

     She was obviously an expert on harassment. And as you can imagine, her words were quite effective. Especially since I value my health.

     Unfortunately -- and this annoys reporters -- people sometimes forget to mention they don't want to be quoted until after they've spoken to you. You interview them for 20 minutes, furiously writing every word in your notebook, when they say, "This isn't going to be in the paper, is it?"

     "No," you feel like saying. "This is just practice. I'm training to be a real reporter."

     On controversial stories, sources often turn into "anonymous" sources. Some are referred to as "reliable" sources because -- unlike other sources -- they tend to tell the truth.

     After interviewing a reliable source, you can write a story like this:

     According to a reliable source, the potency drug Viagra has made Bob Dole feel like 18 again and Elizabeth Dole feel like hiring Monica Lewinsky.

     Asked for a comment, Bob Dole said, "Isn't it a beautiful day?"

     He wasn't talking about the weather.