MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
DEATH PENALTY NOT ENOUGH FOR MCVEIGH

     Timothy McVeigh, the 32-year-old convicted in the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing that killed 168 people, wants to be executed soon, and the U.S. government seems only too eager to oblige, like an exterminator who has finally cornered a pesky rat. Perhaps that's not a fair comparison. I certainly don't want to elevate McVeigh to the lofty status of a rat. That may get me in trouble with all those animal activists. I can picture them protesting outside my home with signs that read: "Rats aren't terrorists," "Rats don't kill people -- people kill people," and "If you must insult rats, insult the Democ-rats."

     McVeigh recently dropped his appeals and will die by lethal injection on May 16, though there's still a rumor floating around that Bill Clinton hasn't yet finished pardoning criminals.

     McVeigh wisely didn't bother seeking clemency from George W. Bush, America's new president and chief executor. Asking Bush to commute a death sentence is like asking Tom Cruise for good marriage advice. You're better off hoping for aliens to rescue you.

     Somehow it doesn^Òt seem fair, the murderer of 168 adults and children getting only a lethal injection. His death will be quick and painless and, for all we know, it may take him to a better place, other than his very own hole in the ground. Maybe he's been praying behind bars and maybe he has saved his soul from the eternal damnation so many people wish upon him. It's a terrible thought, but maybe death is his best escape from prison. And maybe we shouldn't let him go. Maybe we should just say no.

     "No way, Tim McVeigh, you can't go. We're keeping you in prison until hell freezes over or peace returns to the Middle East, whichever comes first. You deserve to stay behind bars, sharing a small cell with a 350-pound convict named Judd the Prison Stud who "you will be glad to know" has already tattooed your name on his belly. Don't worry, Judd is a rather affectionate guy and, even when you're not feeling particularly cold, he'll always be eager to cuddle. He's a model prisoner and was voted 'Best Murderer' last year. That's why you shouldn't panic when he occasionally tries to shove your head between the bars. That's just his way of trying to set you free. By 'occasionally,' we of course mean 'once or twice an hour.' Whatever you do, don't make any quick movements. Judd gets excited easily, if you know what we mean."

     For killing 168 innocent people, McVeigh deserves a lot more than the death penalty. For example:

     ---He deserves to listen to 168 consecutive speeches by politicians in Washington, D.C. That's what I call capital punishment.

     ---He deserves to go shopping with 168 women.

     ---He deserves to drink 168 glasses of cough syrup.

     ---He deserves to wake up to the smell of morning breath from 168 men. Forget the death penalty -- let's give him the breath penalty.

     ---He deserves to go to college for 168 classes of chemistry. From my old professor, Dr. Monotone.

     ---He deserves to spend 168 days in a dentist's chair, getting the deepest root canal in history.

     I'm not sure if I support the death penalty for most murderers -- what happened to forgiveness? -- but in McVeigh's case, I won't lose any sleep. I just wish we could give him a more exciting send-off. For example, we could drop him by parachute into Iran, carrying a sign that reads, "I Love Salman Rushdie!" Or we could drop him into Al Gore's house, carrying a sign that reads, "I counted the votes in Florida." Or we could drop him into a throng of hooligans in England, carrying a sign that reads, "Soccer is for idiots!"

     It's a terrible thought, but I'd pay to watch.