MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
"IT'S EASY TO SPOT THAT SPARE TIRE"

     The government recently issued new guidelines to help people determine whether they're overweight. The guidelines discuss weight in terms of body-mass index (BMI), a measurement system based on whether a person has enough body mass to qualify as a sumo wrestler.

     The important guidelines prove a number of things, including:

     ---Monica Lewinsky is definitely overweight. Even her lawyers agree.

     ---The government has absolutely nothing to do.

     ---Most Americans are carrying enough body mass for at least three fashion models.

     ---Richard Simmons, America's designated obesity fighter, should be fired.

     The new guidelines puzzle me. Do we really need a formula and chart to figure out we're fat? Is it that difficult to notice those bulges? Is it that hard to spot the spare tire and extra hub cap?

     Perhaps most of us are in denial. Perhaps we think everyone else in the world is getting smaller. Perhaps we think we're just becoming more well-rounded.

     So in the interest of national health, here are a few easier guidelines. You probably need to lose weight if:

     ---Every time you dive into the public swimming pool, the water department sends you a bill.

     ---Your idea of a snack is a large pizza. Your idea of a meal is Barney the dinosaur.

     ---The local newspaper wants to a do a story on you, thinking you're having sextuplets.

     ---You wish you could buy a toilet seat in a plus size.

     ---When you step on a scale, you feel sorry for it.

     ---You need two carts at the grocery store, one for ice cream, the other for diet pills.

     ---The local cable company wants to advertise on your stomach.

     ---Your friend, a pilot, keeps spotting you from above.

     If you're still unsure, you could try the government's method. To determine your BMI, multiply your weight in pounds by 703, then divide that by the square of your height in inches, then subtract the number of times you've been pregnant, then add the number of chins you have. If your BMI is 25 or higher, you're either fat or terrible at math.

     It's obvious from these calculations that the government is trying to drum up more business for accountants. Like they don't have enough work from our complicated tax laws. The accountants must have hired a lobbyist from China.

     Of course, if you don't feel like consulting your accountant, you could always visit your doctor. Doctors spend four years in medical school, so they're experts on human anatomy. They can just look at you and offer a diagnosis: "You're fat!"

     But there is a huge risk in seeing your doctor: the doctor may decide you need a physical. If you're overweight, you probably don't want to undress in front of strangers. And you certainly don't want to pay someone to see you naked.

     The doctor may do some pinching, probing and prodding, trying to give you your money's worth.

     And when it's all over, the doctor will tell you what you probably knew before: "You need to get some exercise. Other than walking to the refrigerator."