MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
"IT'S A GOOD TIME TO FIRE YOUR ELECTRIC COMPANY"

     As a consumer, I like having choices, the more the better. That's why I like shopping at those so-called "superstores," where you often have a choice of about 10,000 deodorants, 6,000 toothpastes and two checkout lanes.

     So I was somewhat surprised recently when I received a letter from a state utility commission asking if I want to choose my electricity supplier.

     That's like asking Martha Stewart if she wants to choose her furniture. "Of course. I have to make sure my couch doesn't clash with any of my lipstick."

     It's also like asking a top college football player if he wants to choose his grades. "Heck, yeah! Give me as many A's as you can spare. And enroll me in one of those advanced courses, like reading or writing."

     From the beginning of time, seemingly, Americans have been stuck with one electric company, unable to shop around. But that's changing in some states, thanks to deregulation. Many of us can now tell our electric companies to go shock themselves.

     As long as it's cheap, I wouldn't care if my electricity was generated by cows in India.

     Of course, any imported electricity would have to be tested to make sure it meets America's high standards, so we never have problems operating our electric chairs. We certainly don't want executions to take too long. That would be inhumane.

     The letter I received from the utility commission asked me to return a postage-paid card if I want the "opportunity" to shop around for cheaper electricity. I gave this a lot of thought -- for about two seconds. Then I rushed to the post office to mail the card, before they changed their minds.

     But many people aren't returning their cards. Perhaps they're just satisfied with their electricity or perhaps they're so used to bowing to the great electricity dictator. They're afraid they'll receive a "Soup Nazi" letter that says: "No electricity for you."

     That would be disastrous for some people. No electricity means no refrigerator, which means no cold beer, which means no friends.

     People complain about cable TV and other services, but they never complain about electricity: "The electricity in this town really stinks. Can't we get better electricity? They really don't make electricity like they used to."

     The competition among electric companies will probably have some downsides. The companies may follow credit card firms and develop an annoying habit: calling us at home. They'll want to talk to us more often than our relatives.

     "Sorry to wake you up, but we'd like to offer you a free 30-day trial of our electricity. It's been rated the best electricity on the market. It's recommended by four out of five people undergoing shock therapy. It's even endorsed by the nation's top executioners. And Don King uses it to straighten his hair."

     Our reply may sound just as odd: "No, thank you. I'm quite satisfied with my electricity. I've never actually seen it, but I like it."

     I certainly hope I can cut my electric bill by shopping around. I'm tired of paying more for electricity than for pizza.

     Over the years, electric companies have become experts at charging. This might be a good time to discharge them.