Fly all flags at half-staff. Declare a week of mourning. Observe an hour of silence.

    We're losing a national treasure.

    Seinfeld is in its last season.

    Without the highly rated NBC sitcom, how are we going to survive? What are we going to do on Thursday nights?

    There's bound to be an increase in crime.

    The crime rate in America is lowest when Seinfeld is on. Criminals love to watch the show, especially that eccentric character Kramer. He makes them feel normal.

    Compared with Kramer, even the Unabomber doesn't seem so weird. Kramer would never try to hang himself with his underwear. He'd try to kill himself by eating the underwear. Or jumping head-first from his bed.

    Many people, normal and abnormal, are going to miss Kramer and the other zany characters on Seinfeld: Jerry, George, Elaine and the postal worker, Newman, who somehow resisted the urge to shoot everyone.

    Apart from crime sprees, the loss of Seinfeld could create several other problems of national concern.

    Some married couples, finding nothing good to watch on TV, may be forced to talk to each other. They may even end up talking to their children. That would mess things up for all those therapists, who would lose money and really need some therapy. Of course, they may find some new clients: divorce lawyers.

    NBC, still reeling from the loss of popular sports announcer Marv Allbite, might go out of business. Or even worse, it might lose the ratings battle to C-SPAN.

    NBC has relied on Seinfeld to keep it competitive. Almost every sitcom on the network gained its reputation by first appearing beside Seinfeld. Otherwise, shows like Suddenly Susan would be suddenly gone.

    Considering the consequences, it may be smart for Bill Clinton -- and the major coup of his presidency -- to order Jerry Seinfeld to keep working.

    Jerry, as you've probably heard, is ending the show because, after nine seasons, he has grown tired of making millions of dollars.

    NBC, in obvious desperation, had offered him $5 million an episode, a total of $110 million for another season of all-new, must-see, send-the-kids-to-bed-or-they'll-ask-questions shows. Jerry turned it down. And we think Kramer's crazy?

    Jerry apparently doesn't realize his responsibility to all his viewers, who spent so many Thursday nights watching a show about nothing. Most of us didn't even mind that the characters spent an entire episode saying nothing but "yada yada yada."

    We put up with Jerry's big hang-ups, George's big appetite and Kramer's big hair.

    We embraced the show's phrases, creating sentences such as: "He isn't a close talker and he doesn't play for the other team, so he just might be spongeworthy."

    Despite our allegiance, Jerry is bailing out, leaving NBC to scramble for ways to salvage its lineup.

    Perhaps the network can alter old episodes of Seinfeld and make them look new. Their promo could say, "For the first time on network TV, a must-see episode of Seinfeld that's totally in black and white."

    Or maybe they can colorize Seinfeld: "Don't miss an all-new episode of Seinfeld in which Kramer looks black."

    They could also make Jerry look Asian and Elaine Hispanic: "Rarely seen on network TV, a sitcom with more than three races."

    They could even dub the voices to reflect our other national languages. George could speak in Chinese, Jerry in Spanish, and Kramer in ebonics.

    They'd better do something or I might be forced to eat my underwear.

    Or even worse, watch C-SPAN.