MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
"CONVERTING HOMOSEXUALS SEEMS STRANGE"

     The Christian Coalition and 14 other conservative groups have bought newspaper ads offering good news to homosexuals: They can be converted.

     Apparently, a number of people have been converted and are now ex-gays and ex-lesbians. As Jerry Seinfeld would say, "They've switched to the other team."

     This all seems rather strange to me. I must admit that I don't fully understand homosexuality. They didn't teach me about it in school. Perhaps that's because Shakespeare didn't write any plays called "Romeo and Julius." And Dickens didn't write any books called "A Tale of Two Men."

     Perhaps I needed to be in alternative education to learn about alternative lifestyles.

     When people are accused of being racist, they often defend themselves by saying something like, "One of my friends is black" or "I once let a black man fix my car."

     Well, I must admit that I've never had a homosexual friend or mechanic. At least I don't think so. But you never know these days. So many people are coming out of the closet that you have to wonder how many are still in there, hiding behind the clothes. The Census Bureau needs to do a better job of searching closets.

     I don't consider myself homophobic, but I'm not comfortable watching two men kiss, even if they're from Europe. I watch a lot of football on television, so I'm comfortable with men patting each other on the butt. But if they kiss each other, it ought to be a penalty. Perhaps even an ejection. Announcer: "That was a 15-yard penalty against the Cowboys for unnecessary affection. Two players have been ejected and are heading to the locker room, holding hands."

     I do believe homosexuals should have as much freedom as anyone else. But I'm not sure they should be in the military. I don't think it's fair that many gays and lesbians in the military are getting to shower with people they're attracted to. For them, just visiting the common bathroom is like going to a strip club. And there's not even an admission fee. No wonder they're so eager to serve the country.

     Imagine how easy it would be to recruit young heterosexual men for the Army if they were allowed to shower with women. The lines at the recruiter's office would be longer than at a Spice Girls concert.

     The Army could easily change its slogan from "Be All You Can Be" to "See All You Can See."

     Converting homosexuals seems strange to me because I believe most of them, if not all, are born gay, just as some people are born straight and others are born crooked.

     But I wonder about someone like Anne Heche, the movie actress involved with Ellen Degeneres. Heche was heterosexual all her life, dating a number of men. And then one day, she spotted Ellen from across a room, felt weak in the knees and said, "To heck with men!" Until she met Ellen, she had never been attracted to a woman.

     Apparently, Cindy Crawford didn't do anything for her. Heather Locklear was repulsive. And Julia Roberts was pretty homely. It may seem strange, but I find Anne Heche extremely attractive. Does that make me part-lesbian?

     Perhaps I need to be converted.