MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
EVERYBODY NEEDS GOOD HEALTH CARE

     Bill Clinton is once again trying to improve the country's health care system. He has about two years left in the White House, enough time to leave his mark on something other than Monica's dress.

     Many people, like me, admire Clinton for wanting to provide good health care to all Americans, even the Republicans. A person's health is so important. You cannot put a price on it, unless you work for an HMO (health minimizing organization).

     America is the wealthiest country in the world, yet 41 million people do not have health insurance. They live in fear of contracting a disease, getting hurt in an accident, or running into a hungry Mike Tyson.

     If an injury doesn't kill them, the hospital bill will.

     Health care in America is so expensive, it's a wonder more sick people don't run across the border to Mexico. Perhaps the Mexicans have better border patrol than we do. "Hey, amigo. Go back to America. You may not have access to good health care, but at least you have access to lots of guns. You'll have no trouble shooting yourself."

     Even just a minute with an American doctor can cost more than $100. For that kind of money, the doctor should be the one who undresses.

     The bill is much higher if the doctor can't figure out what's wrong with you and has to order some tests. You have to pay for the doctor's ignorance. But that's better than having the doctor guess. "After reviewing your symptoms, consulting my colleagues and reading several medical journals, I've decided that you either have stomach cancer or gas. Please take a seat in the waiting room while I toss a coin."

     Imagine how expensive it would be to spend a few weeks in a hospital, recovering from an accident. The bill would be so high, you might die of shock. It would be cheaper to spend a year as a White House guest. And you might even get a book out of it.

     Hospitals have so many different expenses, you'd think they were run by the government. If you asked them to give you a detailed itemized bill, you'd end up with several books. And if you looked closely, you might find such items as "cost of sponges," "cost of giving patient sponge baths" and "cost of disposing the sponges in a manner that doesn't upset Al Gore."

     In 1993, President Clinton tried to revamp the health care system and provide some form of insurance to every American. But the
Republican-led Congress decided that health care reform is very unhealthy. Especially to the wealthy. If health care was that important, they thought, those uninsured people would have bothered to hire lobbyists.

     This time around, Clinton has decided to save insured people from those health care dictators known as HMOs. He wants to give more rights to the 72 million HMO-burdened Americans.

     HMOs have all kinds of rules. They want to tell you which doctor to visit, when to visit the doctor and how to talk to the doctor. "To help keep costs down, please don't mention any minor health problems, like lung cancer."

     If you have some sort of health emergency, don't call 911. Call your HMO. Once you have permission, in a day or two, you can call 911.

     If you're still alive.