MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
CLINTON SHOULD NOT BE IMPEACHED

     Shortly after Bill Clinton's recent testimony to the grand jury, one of my friends called me at work and told me the president had resigned. He was tired of answering questions about his private life.

     Even presidents have private lives, he insisted. Even presidents need a little private time with their mistresses. Even presidents need to keep their affairs off CNN, just in case their wives are watching.

     My first thought about the apparent resignation: Oh no, the most powerful nation in the world is going to be led by Al Gore. We're putting Gomer Pyle in charge of the Marines. Everybody hide.

     I know that's not a fair comparison, but that's how I felt. I was so relieved when my friend told me she was joking and I didn't have to worry about a Gore presidency. But the possibility of impeachment still exists, especially if Ken Starr finds more presidential stains.

     As president, Gore would try to make global warming a bigger priority than the economy. I don't know which is worse: a president who's always worried about the heat or one who's always in heat.

     Gore would have a hard time matching Clinton's many talents, especially his talent for keeping the media busy. That could hurt the economy, because many reporters would lose their jobs. And political analysts, desperate for topics, might start analyzing Gore's clothes.

     Larry King: "Tonight on Larry King Live, our special guest is Professor Michael Verbose, who'll discuss Al Gore's old-fashioned jogging shorts and whether they're preventing him from attracting any interns."

     Gore has been a pretty good vice president. At least he can spell 'potato.' At least his interns aren't required to debrief him.

     But I don't like the idea of Gore -- or any veep -- getting an easy ticket to the presidency. That's why I'm against impeaching Clinton, though he's lied and cheated and made Marv Albert look like Mother Teresa.

     Perhaps we can punish Clinton in one of these ways:

     ---Appoint Linda Tripp to a new position in the White House: supervisor of inappropriate relationships.

     ---Instruct every woman who visits the White House to repeat these words whenever the president gets frisky: "Excuse me, Mr. President, did I just hear the First Lady's voice?"

     ---Equip the Oval Office with lots of video cameras, including a few under the president's desk. Broadcast the footage on a new soap opera called "The Young and the Reckless."

     ---Order Clinton to spend three hours a day listening to Rush Limbaugh. Of course, the Supreme Court might consider this cruel and unusual punishment. And Clinton might prefer to be impeached.

     ---Erase all the names and numbers in the president's black book. Add the numbers of Amy Fisher, Tonia Harding and Lorena Bobbitt.

     Gore has wanted the presidency for many years. No doubt, while Clinton has been facing the music, Gore has been doing the macarena.

     Or maybe he's been concerned enough to pray for his boss: "Dear God, please give Bill the strength to endure this ordeal, salvage his marriage, and vacate the White House quickly. And please give him a safe trip back to Arkansas."