A friend once asked me whether I'd like to adopt a puppy from the animal shelter.

    "It's so cute," she said, showing me a picture of the black puppy.

    She wanted to adopt the puppy herself, but her landlord would have thrown a fit. And then he might have thrown her out.

    Unfortunately, I couldn't provide a good home to that puppy, because my home is also governed by the rules of a landlord.

    My landlord has all kinds of written and unwritten rules, most designed to ensure that I never see my security deposit.

    Some examples:

    ---No jumping jacks in the middle of the night, no matter how strong my urge to exercise. The tenants in the apartment below might think we're having an earthquake. If they die of shock, it would be a real tragedy, especially to my landlord, who would lose some rent money. And he may decide to do some jumping jacks on me.

    ---No personal washing machines or dryers. I'm not even allowed to dry clothes in the oven. My landlord must own stock in the laundromat.

    ---No loud parties without inviting the neighbors and anyone else who might complain to the landlord.

    ---No pets unless they swim in an aquarium. And as I've found, it's hard to turn a cat into a catfish.

    Of course, I've never broken any of my landlord's rules, at least not intentionally. I'm hesitant to do anything that might upset him. I have a month-to-month lease, which means I could be homeless next month.

    Like all my previous landlords, he seems to hold a lot of power over me.

    His title itself intimidates me. He's a landLORD and I'm a tenANT. A lord is always more powerful than an ant. He could step on me and not even know it.

    These titles go back to the early days in England when a certain lord of the manor allowed his land to be occupied by ten ants.

    Things would be easier if we could change these titles. I'd rather be a tenlord and have him as my landant.

    After more than 10 years of renting, I've become an expert on landlords. Here's some free advice for all you novices:

    ---Paying the rent on time is crucial. Don't wait for a bill. And don't ask if there's a minimum monthly payment. The landlord isn't running a credit agency. That's why the rent is due at the beginning of each month, not after you get paid.

    ---If you're expected to give 30 days notice to break the lease, don't try 29 days or even 29 days, 23 hours and 59 minutes. Asking your landlord for such a favor is like borrowing money from your wife to hire a divorce lawyer.

    ---Try to avoid landlords who are lawyers. It's hard enough dealing with a landlord who doesn't have the power of attorney. I rented from a lawyer once. Big mistake. He wrote the lease in his own language. Every time I complained about something, I thought he would sue me.

    ---Don't rent from a landlord who lives next door. You might as well let him install surveillance cameras in your bedroom. Having a landlord for a neighbor is worse than moving in with your mother-in-law.

    ---Don't bother trying to conceal any damage to your apartment when you leave. Most landlords have been blessed with a sixth sense, the sense of detection. They can detect a missing thread in a carpet. And soon, your security deposit will also be missing.

    Through experience, I've learned not to test a landlord's skills. That's why I decided not to adopt that puppy, even though it was cuter than most human babies.

    If my landlord overheard a puppy whimpering in my apartment, I'd soon be the one doing the whimpering.