MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, PLEASE!

     Technology is supposed to make our roads safer, but it seems to be making them more dangerous. And our politicians can't do much about it, because they're concentrating on more important issues, such as what to say to get re-elected.

     Some people are turning their cars into mobile offices, equipping them with not just cellular phones, but also laptop computers, fax machines and photocopiers. And it won't be long before they go all the way and install a few cubicles. Perhaps even a water cooler.

     These folks like to conduct business while driving around, which saves them a lot of time. They can weave through traffic, chat with a client and type notes on the computer, all at the same time. This wouldn't be a problem if they had three pairs of hands, two sets of eyes and one or two extra brains. But for that, we'd need a nuclear accident.

     Most people have only two hands. And if they drive in a city like New York, they need both hands: one for steering and the other for rude gestures.

     We also have only two eyes and unfortunately, both eyes are on the same side of our heads. That's why we need rear view mirrors. That's why we're so concerned about back-stabbers.

     As for brains, we're pretty lucky if we have one good one. Just ask the guests on Jerry Springer.

     When God designed the human body, He obviously didn't intend for us to drive and fax.

     The highways are dangerous enough without all this technology.

     First, you have people who drive so fast, you'd think they're late for their own weddings. Instead, they're trying hard to be early for their own funerals.

     Second, you have people who drive drunk and could definitely use one good brain. But they're too busy searching for one good beer.

     Third, you have people who drive when they're sleepy. They can be more dangerous than drunk drivers. That's why states like Pennsylvania try hard to keep people awake by designing highways with lots of bumps and cracks.

     Fourth, you have people who suffer from road rage. It's an increasingly common affliction that makes victims think they own the roads. If someone gets in their way, they go absolutely crazy, driving recklessly and endangering everyone else. Modern cars are built with many safety features, but none that keep them from being driven by idiots.

     I must admit that I'm not a perfect driver. I've done some pretty stupid things like driving while sleepy, driving too fast, and driving before I had a license. I used to eat in my car all the time, but I stopped doing that because I couldn't concentrate on my eating.

     But I'd never try to work on my laptop or fax a document while driving. If people are allowed to do that, we might as well give driver's licenses to the blind.

     And we might as well change the driver's license test to include topics like highway faxing, e-mailing while turning, and photocopying while passing.

     Imagine how productive we'd all be if we found things to do while we drive, such as knitting, reading and lifting weights.

     Considering the nuts on the highway, perhaps we should also do a lot of praying.