MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
NO DIETING MEANS NO DANCING

     I recently attended a wedding that was rather impressive. It had everything you'd expect at such an important, life-changing event: a formal ceremony, touching vows, and an open bar.

     The bar, of course, was at the reception, which also featured lots of dancing. Almost everyone was dancing, even people who didn't have much rhythm and looked a little silly. That's one of the benefits of having an open bar.

     Someone was obviously videotaping it all, hoping to one day sell the tape to Ken Starr.

     I stayed off the dance floor most of the evening for two important reasons:

     ---I didn't want to draw attention from the bride and groom.

     ---I didn't want everyone, including the bride and groom, to fall over laughing.

     You see, I was suffering from a common disorder among men of my age: TPS, better known as "Tight Pants Syndrome."

     Yes, my suit pants were too tight. And if I had tried any dance moves, my pants would have displayed a move of their own: a split. Then I would have been forced to do another split -- from the reception.

     I own just a couple of suits and only one still fits me. I can barely squeeze into the pants, after sucking in my stomach, holding my breath, and wearing the pants so low that some teen-agers think I'm cool.

     Before the wedding, I hadn't worn the suit for several months and, like most clothes that just sit around in my wardrobe, it had started to shrink. They don't make clothes like they used to. I knew there'd be some unfortunate consequences from all that child labor.

     But seriously, I'm not in denial. I know I've gained weight. And almost all of it is muscle. I need to cut back on those sit-ups, because my stomach muscles are really starting to bulge. I've got huge abdominal muscles.

     OK, I admit it: My abdominals are more like flabdominals. Most of the weight I've gained is fat. I'm not what most people would consider overweight, but you could probably hide a few supermodels behind me. I've gained at least 10 pounds in the last year or two, enough to turn some of my clothes into tights.

     I've gained weight despite being on a diet several times. Whenever I see something tasty, like pizza or ice cream, I remind myself that I'm on a DIET, which stands for Darn, I'm Eating This.

     It's tough to lose weight in America today. Everywhere you look, there's food, enough to feed every starving child in the world. As well as those models.

     To make matters worse, some experts are advising people to eat five or six meals a day. Aren't we eating enough already? These experts want us to eat smaller, more-frequent meals. They don't realize that once we start eating, it's hard to stop. We're genetically programmed to eat everything in sight, except perhaps broccoli.

     At my workplace, any food brought in, such as cake, sticky buns or cookies, disappears so fast, I'm beginning to think no one eats at home.

     Or perhaps they're trying hard to eat five or six meals a day. If they keep this up, they're going to be in serious trouble.

     Especially if they like to dance.