MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
IT'S HARD TO GET REST IN A RESTROOM

     Three of my friends and I recently drove to Orlando, Florida, for a short vacation, a trip filled with more adventure than a date with Bill Clinton.

     At Universal Studios, a major tourist attraction, we survived a twister, an earthquake and several long lines.

     At Gatorland, we watched some alligators swallow several pieces of chicken, and then we decided to swallow several pieces of alligator. (Alligator meat is so tasty, you'll feel like going hunting. For some real food.)

     At a pizza restaurant, we encountered another member of Florida's impressive wildlife: a large, flying cockroach. Better known as the state bird. It was so big, I thought it was someone's pet. But no one claimed it before the cook captured it and took it somewhere in the kitchen, perhaps to feed to an alligator or the next customer. With so much competition in the pizza industry, you can never offer too many toppings.

     The biggest adventure of the vacation came during the 14-hour drive to Florida. It was a never-ending adventure called "Who can find a clean restroom?"

     When I came to America years ago, I often wondered why public bathrooms are called "restrooms." I looked all around but couldn't find any bathroom stalls that were furnished with beds.

     Many restrooms are so smelly, they're the last places I'd want to get some rest.

     But during my trip to Florida, I realized that the term "restrooms" makes a lot of sense, because the workers assigned to clean the rooms are often taking a rest.

     You can never be sure what you'll find in a restroom. And if the restroom isn't clean, you're better off heading to the woods.

     I don't mind being friendly with strangers, but I don't want a stranger's germs getting too friendly with mine.

     Using a restroom is an adventure partly because you have to figure out how to operate the faucet, a skill that often requires a college degree. Every restroom in America seems to have a unique faucet, a tribute to this country's great faucet inventors. Some faucets are automatic, while others require users to push, pull, turn, jump, or pray.

     If you manage to operate the faucet, you have another problem: drying your hands. Many restrooms have done away with paper towels, leaving you with two choices: spending a few years holding your hands under the air dryer or wiping your hands on your pants. Most men prefer the second choice because it helps clean their pants.

     Here's three other tips on using public restrooms while traveling:

     ---It's a major faux pas to mistake a sink for a urinal. Sinks come in all kinds of shapes and sizes, as do urinals. If you're confused, here's an important tip: The floor is usually dry around the sinks.

     ---Always wash your hands after using a public restroom. And if you've taken any magazines or newspapers into the restroom, make sure you incinerate them.

     ---If you're really desperate to use a bathroom, you may pull over to the side of the road to admire nature and make a modest contribution. But here's a warning: In Florida, you should always watch out for alligators, especially if you're a man and want to remain one. Alligators snap their jaws at almost anything. They're more dangerous than Lorena Bobbitt.

     Remember this important tip: It's always better to hold it than lose it.