MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
WRESTLER HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES

     Like Newt Gingrich and the rest of the Republicans, I'm still in shock over the recent national election. I didn't know the Democrats would do so well and I didn't know the U.S. Constitution allows pro wrestlers to become governors.

     You'd think there'd be some rule in the Constitution that states: "No American may be elected governor unless they have demonstrated their sanity by not spending much of their lives making strange faces, bouncing off ropes and jumping on other people."

     But fortunately for former pro wrestler Jesse "The Body" Ventura, no such rule exists, allowing him to be elected governor of Minnesota, defeating two embarrassed candidates who have since changed their names and moved to Mexico.

     Ventura himself changed his nickname from "The Body" to "The Mind," realizing that it takes a great mind to convince hundreds of thousands of Minnesota residents to turn their state over to a wrestler.

     "We shocked the world," Ventura kept saying on election night, when he made history by becoming the first pro wrestler to con an entire state. Most wrestlers manage to con only their fans.

     But perhaps I shouldn't be so skeptical of Ventura's ability to lead a state. After all, he has experience as a mayor of a small town and he can easily motivate his staff to work hard by threatening to body slam them.

     He's bound to appoint a lot of qualified people to his Cabinet, such as: Secretary of Education: Mike Tyson. Secretary of Public Welfare: Kato Kaelin. Secretary of Aging: John Glenn. Secretary of Youth Programs: Michael Jackson. Attorney General: O.J. Simpson.

     Let's face it: The people of Minnesota aren't crazy. They know that a former wrestler like Ventura can become a great politician because he has lots of experience in an important area: acting.

     Ronald Reagan, a former actor, was one of the greatest presidents because he knew how to connect with people. Bill Clinton is also good at connecting, but mostly with women.

     Acting is important in politics. With a Democrat in the White House, the Republicans have to always act disgusted -- disgusted about the economy, disgusted about foreign affairs, disgusted about Clinton's affair. The Democrats have to always act pleased -- pleased about the economy, pleased about foreign affairs, pleased about the president's hobby.

     But perhaps more than his acting ability, what won Ventura the election was his goal to cut taxes. People love to hear about tax cuts. They'll vote for almost any candidate who pledges to cut taxes, even if the candidate is running for president of the local crochet club: "I promise to lobby Congress to eliminate the sales tax on needles and yarn!"

     The Republicans lost the election partly because many of them focused on only one major issue, soon to be part of a children's rhyme:
Monica and Bill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Bill fell down on Monica's gown, and said, "I've finally got her."
But Ken Starr found out and began to shout, "She's young enough to be your daughter."
He discovered a stain as big as Spain and expected an election-day slaughter.
But the voters disagreed about Bill's bad deed, because the economy was never hotter.