MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
IT'S TIME FOR A FEMALE PRESIDENT

     Throughout the Clinton presidency, there's been a running joke that Hillary is the real president and Bill is just following orders. That could explain why she has stood by her man, while her man has stood by his desires.

     She's enjoying her power too much.

     Bill: "Honey, don't you think we should bomb Iraq? Saddam is obviously hiding something from our inspectors."

     Hillary: "No, I don't think so, sweetheart, though I know you're an expert on hiding things. We really shouldn't be bombing anyone so close to Christmas. But perhaps we could bring those inspectors to America for a more important mission: keeping an eye on you. You've gone far too long without an affair."

     Hillary is so influential that some have suggested a Gore-Clinton ticket in 2000, allowing Hillary to become vice president. But I don't know if Al Gore would want to keep taking orders from her.

     No, if Hillary runs in 2000, it should be for president, nothing less. It's about time the United States had a female president. Especially since some of our male presidents have really messed up.

     After all, men are always looking for women to clean up after them.

     The United States has been independent since 1776, yet no woman has come close to the presidency. (Though many have come close to the president.)

     A number of other countries, including Britain, India, Pakistan, and Israel, have elected female leaders. And as far as I know, all those countries survived.

     In some of those countries, women are expected to be subordinate to men. But that didn't keep the men from electing a woman to the highest position, allowing her to laugh and say, "Hey guys, look who's subordinate now."

     In America, women enjoy a lot of freedom, but the presidency seems out of reach. Men are afraid that a female president might do something crazy, like banning football, repealing the sales tax on cosmetics or declaring a national holiday for shopping.

     Other than Hillary Clinton, a number of women could run this country, including Elizabeth Dole, Oprah Winfrey and Ann Landers.

     Dole could help her husband, Bob, achieve his lifelong dream of living in the White House, without having to write a big check to the Clintons.

     Oprah would be the first woman and the first African-American to lead the country, proving that any American can be president, as long as they have ambition, determination and loads of money.

     Ann Landers, the syndicated columnist, has been giving advice for so long, she knows the answers to the country's problems. It won't be long before Bill Clinton writes to her:

Dear Ann Landers:

    I have a problem. My wife keeps ordering me around. If I don't listen, she makes me sleep with Buddy the dog. And Buddy gets a little too excited, like one of my interns. Now my wife says she wants to be president. But I want to be known as Mr. President, not the First Gentleman. Please help me.

Desperate Bill.