MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
CHRISTMAS MEANS A LOT TO PEOPLE

     It seems like we're always celebrating something in America: Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, Secretary's Day, Father's Day, Mother's Day, Ex-wife's Day...

     The longest and biggest celebration, of course, is Christmas.

     Many years ago, Christmas was celebrated on Dec. 25, but nowadays the celebration begins sometime in early November. That's when department stores start playing Christmas music to get people in the right mood: "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh what fun it is to shop and blow your measly pay."

     Christmas ends sometime in January, when millions of men, still bloated from holiday turkey and candy, somehow find enough energy to crawl off the couch and take down the Christmas lights. That usually happens a day or two after the football season.

     Many Americans love Christmas, the most meaningful of our celebrations:

     It means giving a lot of free food to the homeless and poor, and hoping they'll eat enough to make it through the rest of the year.

     It means decorating your house with enough sparkling lights to impress your neighbors and blind the pilots of passing planes.

     It means buying a tall Christmas tree, adorning it with ornaments and praying that your children won't try to climb it.

     It means searching for the addresses of people you don't keep in touch with, so you can send them Christmas cards and make them feel guilty for not doing the same.

     It means sending photographs with your cards, so your distant friends and relatives can remember what you and your family look like.

     It means sending form letters with your cards and including important information like, "Bob is really enjoying his job with Amway and feels more fulfilled than ever. Mary enjoys gardening and recently managed to grow two tomatoes. Praise the Lord!"

     It means eating so much candy and cookies that children start following you around, asking, "Hey Santa, where's your red suit?"

     It means going shopping and spending a few hours searching for a parking spot. And it means showing your Christmas spirit by cursing anyone who beats you to one.

     It means taking your children to Santa and hoping they won't ask for a popular toy that you can't buy without running over other shoppers.

     It means saying "Let's charge it" more often than you say "Merry Christmas!"

     It means combing through several stores, trying to find a special gift for that special person who already owns too much.

     It means receiving so many fliers from K mart and Wal-Mart, your parakeets can look down and know it's Christmas.

     It means spending a small fortune on wrapping paper, so your friends can have colorful gifts and the entire country can have colorful landfills.

     It means receiving many gifts you like and many gifts you'd like to return.

     Of course, for many people, Christmas means something a lot more important than all that. It's something they celebrate on Dec. 25, something that brings genuine joy to their hearts.

     It means they don't have to go to work.