MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
SANTA'S GIFTS CAN SOLVE OUR PROBLEMS

Dear Santa:

     I know this letter is late and you may not have enough time to get me everything I want for Christmas. Especially since you're probably spending every waking hour searching the world for a hundred million Furby toys. But please try, Santa. I'm counting on you. I've been a good boy ... uh ... man this year. I didn't talk back to my mother, I didn't use any bad language, and I didn't read the entire Starr Report.

     I don't want much for myself, Santa. Any of the following will do: A stove that's self-cleaning, as well as self-cooking. An exercise machine that burns a lot of calories, not just a lot of money. And a videocassette that's long enough to record all the president's apologies. (It would be my own copy of Sex, Lies and Videotape.)

     But I don't want to be selfish, Santa. So I'm going to request some gifts for other people. These people are too busy or too proud to write to you themselves. Some even believe that you don't exist. But they're willing to believe every word in those supermarket tabloids. And a few even believe that O.J. didn't do it. Poor saps.

     Anyway, Santa, here are my requests for them:

---A new tape recorder for Linda Tripp. The old one still works, but I think it's going to be displayed in the Smithsonian. It has performed really well, but Tripp has nightmares it will break down during a thrilling conversation. I've heard her ask: "What am I going to do if I somehow manage to get another friend?"

---A new dress for Monica Lewinsky, to replace the one the president messed up. If possible, Santa, get her a dress that's stain-proof. Or even better, get her a job that would really help her, a job at a dry-cleaning shop. And get her a date with someone who isn't twice her age, someone who isn't married, and someone who isn't so creative with cigars.

---Two leashes for Hillary Clinton, one to keep Buddy the dog from straying.

---A can of pepper spray for Bill Clinton. He can use it to ward off any eager interns. And he can also spray it into his own eyes to help him cry during his next apology. A few tears could convince the impeachment-hungry Republicans that he's really sorry. If he cries long enough, they may even let him pass a few laws.

---A bucket for Henry Hyde, the Republican who heads the House Judiciary Committee. He's trying to impeach Clinton and has been drooling too much. You may also want to get him a pill to improve his memory, so he can remember the results of the recent election. As well as his own affair.

---A deck of cards for Ross Perot. So he can keep busy and forget about running for president. We're getting enough laughs from Clinton.

---A mirror for fluorescent-haired basketball player Dennis Rodman. So he can see how ridiculous he looks. If possible, Santa, make it a mirror that won't crack easily. Perhaps one that's already been tested on Linda Tripp. (Sorry, Santa, I couldn't resist.)

---Contact lenses for the referees in the National Football League. They've been making too many poor calls. And if that continues, you may also have to get them bulletproof vests.

     Thanks in advance, Santa. With your help, we'll all have a merry Christmas.