MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
PARTISANSHIP HAS GONE TOO FAR

     Once again the United States has shown the world how well the two-party system works.

     Almost every Republican in the House of Representatives voted to impeach President Clinton on two counts. And what a surprise, almost every Democrat voted against impeachment.

     They must have been looking at two different sets of evidence.

     Republican version: "The president lied under oath."

     Democratic version: "The president sighed under oath."

     Republican version: "The president let an intern touch him in an unusual place."

     Democratic version: "The president let an intern touch him in the usual place."

     Perhaps, when the most damaging evidence against Clinton was presented in the House, all the Democrats were in the bathroom. After all, if politicians insist on voting along party lines, perhaps they also go to the bathroom along party lines.

     Every few hours, Rep. Henry Hyde probably stands and says, "Attention Republicans, it's our turn to go!"

     President Clinton should be thankful he isn't an independent. He might be facing the death penalty. Everyone in the House would be yelling, "Fry the bum! He doesn't belong to any of our parties, so he must be guilty."

     Partisanship -- in case you haven't noticed -- has gone a little too far.

     If Saddam Hussein were somehow affiliated with the Democratic Party, we wouldn't be bombing his country. We'd be inviting him to the White House to select an intern.

     "He's not a bad guy," Clinton would say. "He's producing weapons of mass destruction, but at least he isn't drinking as much as Yeltsin."

     Republicans who pushed for impeachment say it's simply a question of right and wrong. They're right and the Democrats are wrong.

     No one is above the law, not even the president, they say. Yes, that's why we sentenced O.J. Simpson to a lifetime of golf.

     Democrats say the president should be censured, not removed from office. They've also suggested some alternative punishments, such as giving him a big fine, prohibiting him from eating any more french fries, and forcing him to give up sex for six hours.

     The president's popularity with ordinary citizens is as high as ever. Most Americans want him to stay in office and not just because he's given us a lot of entertainment.

     With the economy so strong, most people aren't concerned that the president had an affair and lied about it. They're more upset about the impeachment hearings, especially since many of those partisan speeches were televised and interrupted football games.

     Even my 4-year-old niece was affected, though she had a little trouble with the word "impeached."

     "Uncle Melvin! Uncle Melvin!" she said. "President Clinton is a peach."

     "That's not nice," I almost said. "No matter what you think of the president, you should never call him a fruit."

     My 7-year-old nephew asked me why the president had been impeached. I told him the president had lied. But perhaps I should have told him the real reason: "Most of the U.S. representatives are Republicans and the president is a Democrat. They just don't like each other. If he could impeach all of them, he'd do it, too."