MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
LOTS OF THRILLS AWAIT US IN 1999

     What a year 1998 was. We had a presidential scandal, a hurricane, an old man in space, a presidential scandal, a Viagra frenzy, an Asian economic collapse, a presidential scandal, a home run race, a World Cup, and did I say a presidential scandal?

     It's time for me to make some bold predictions for 1999, the kind you won't get from ordinary psychics, unless you give them lots of money and lots of beer. In 1999:

• Bill Gates, the Microsoft owner, will announce his candidacy for president, taking a cue from fellow billionaires Ross Perot and Ted Turner. "I already control the country," Gates will say. "I might as well lead it." He will promise to buy every available advertising spot on TV, including the one on Terry Bradshaw's head.
• Former presidential candidate Bob Dole's ads will boost sales of the potency drug Viagra, prompting its manufacturer, Pfizer, to sign deals with two other men: Michael Dukakis and Walter Mondale. "We failed to become presidents," they will say, "but we've never disappointed our wives."
• The NBC sitcom "Friends" will be the top-rated show on TV, after its writers conceive an exciting, original, must-see plot twist: Ross realizes that he's really in love with Rachel after all, but Rachel loses interest in him and decides to pursue a hot, passionate relationship with Monica. At the end of the season, the show's producers will give a hefty raise to their brilliant new writer: Ellen Degeneres.
• Seth Warshavsky, the Internet rogue who posted vintage nude photos of radio shrink Dr. Laura Schlessinger, will create a major controversy when he does the same with another popular radio personality: Rush Limbaugh. Millions of people will cancel their Internet accounts in a desperate attempt to avoid getting to know Rush better. Rush will try to insult Warshavsky on his show by calling him a "Democrat."
• The CIA will assassinate Osama bin Laden, the terrorist allegedly responsible for twin embassy bombings in Africa. They will give him a new name: Osama bin Laden to Rest.
• Monica Lewinsky will become a multi-millionaire after signing book, movie and interview deals. The White House will immediately be swamped with millions of applications for its internship program. Lewinsky will be offered a new daytime talk show, in which she interviews members of Congress whose affairs forced them to resign. Lewinsky's show will beat Jerry Springer's in the ratings, prompting him to return to a can't-miss theme: Busty women whose husbands are having affairs with transvestites who've never seen a dentist.
• Sally Struthers will appear in a series of commercials asking people to donate money to help feed the starving children of NBA players. The basketball players will end their strike and issue this statement: "We finally realized that dunking basketballs is a lot easier than flipping burgers."
• John Glenn will return to space once again, when some children in his neighborhood allow him to use their trampoline. The TV network Fox will try to persuade Glenn to appear on its show "Guinness World Records" by setting a new record called "Oldest man to bounce on a trampoline one million times and still have enough energy to cut it into pieces and eat it."