MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
EVERYONE PLAYS THE RETURN GAME

     The weeks following Christmas must be a frustrating time for store owners. So many people return gifts, giving all kinds of good reasons for not wanting them:

     ---"My husband already has 15 remote controls."

     ---"The Miracle Bra seems to have run out of miracles."

     ---"My stomach won't fit inside The Abdomenizer."

     ---"My dog keeps trying to seduce the Chia Pet."

     When it comes to telling fibs, most people never run out of creativity.

     It's a good thing stores don't put customers under oath. The lines at the returns counter would shrink. Even the president would stay away.

     Of course, most chain stores don't require customers to provide reasons for returns. Their employees are tired of documenting all the lies. Especially since they don't get paid as well as Ken Starr.

     The return policies of these stores are more liberal than the library's. You can get away with returning almost anything, even if you bought it years ago, even if you bought it in another store, even if it's in worse condition than Monica's dress.

     Why throw away your old things when you can return them to a store?

     Indeed, few customers have qualms about exploiting store policies. A store, after all, makes millions of dollars. It can afford to be conned a little.

     Some years ago, two friends of mine returned jeans to The Gap, saying they didn't like them. They had apparently just been "trying them on" for several months.

     Another friend returned some makeup after her mother had used a little of it. The store clerk examined the makeup and said, "This has been used." Replied my friend: "Yes, that's why I'm returning it."

     She should definitely run for president.

     The same friend also returned a set of silver Christmas tree balls -- after she had painted some of them red, green and gold, and then repainted them the original color. The conversation in the store probably went like this:

     Clerk: "These ornaments seem to have an uneven color. I can almost see a red tinge."

     My friend: "Yes, that's why I'm returning them."

     I'm not exactly innocent myself. Back in college, during Christmas vacation, my roommate and I bought a video game system, intending to return it when classes resumed. We absolved our guilt by convincing ourselves that there was a chance we'd decide to keep the game. Yes, just as there was a chance we'd decide to spend part of our vacation studying.

     Some people are always returning things. To them, a department store is just a large rental center, with no fee.

     Need a fancy dress for a Super Bowl party? No problem. Need a big-screen TV for the party? No problem. Need some furniture for the party? No problem. The only thing you'd have trouble buying and returning for the party -- in most places -- is a date.

     Of course, there are a lot of good reasons for returning things. For example, you should always return running shoes that are uncomfortable. As I've discovered, it's really hard to buy running shoes. The sales people give you strange looks when you start running around the store.

     They're probably afraid you'll run off without paying.

     But you'd never do anything that dishonest, would you?