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MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
With less than a year to go before 2000, many people are worried about the "millennium bug."
Others are trying to minimize its impact, partly by giving it a less intimidating name: Y2K.
That allows them to make smart statements like this: "If we allow the Y2K to KO our ATMs, our CEO will fire us PDQ."
The millennium bug poses more danger to civilization than any other bug in the world, including Linda Tripp.
The bug has risen because many computers use two digits to denote the year, such as "99" for 1999. At the start of next year, the computers will read "00" as 1900 instead of 2000, causing them to think they haven't yet been invented. They will immediately try to destroy themselves by picturing Bill Gates in his birthday suit.
Some computers may blow a fuse and explode; others will be crippled, flashing a message on their screens: "Major Error! Computer saw the real Mr. Microsoft."
That wouldn't be a problem if computers didn't run the world. But almost everything, seemingly, is controlled by computers. Marv Albert uses a computer to shop for his lingerie. Michael Jackson uses a computer to figure out how to change his face. NBA players use computers to keep track of their children.
For some reason, the future-thinkers who built our computers failed to envision the year 2000. They were too busy envisioning themselves as millionaires.
Or perhaps they were envisioning all the work they'd be creating for themselves and others, trying to prevent the bug.
At worst, the bug will cause electricity shutdowns, disrupted airline schedules, and the absolutely scariest thing imaginable: missed paychecks.
Yes, if you're like the average American who lives paycheck to paycheck, you'd be wise to consider some drastic steps, such as budgeting and saving.
An electricity shutdown of any length would be devastating to children. What will they do without video games and television? They may be forced to talk to their parents. Even worse, they may have to eat dinner with their parents. It's no wonder people are predicting an end to the world as we know it.
Some experts are even predicting chaos in the financial markets. In other words, it will be business as usual.
Other experts forecast moderate problems: spotty power outages, delayed flights, and ATMs refusing to dispense cash for a few days. Chances are, though, any ATM that charges a high fee will continue to operate. Those bankers are smart people.
It's also possible that data stored on computers will be erased. That could be disastrous for an agency like the FBI, which has already gathered tons of information on the whereabouts of Elvis.
I'm hoping that any information about me will also be erased. Hey Y2K, let me introduce you to the FBI, CIA, IRS and INS. Have a good time!
I'm sure some folks at my workplace are worried that all our computers will crash and won't be back up for a long time. To them, it's a potential catastrophe. To me, it's a potential vacation.
I'll really be celebrating the millennium.
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