MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
FRENCH MAY NEED SOAP AND WATER

     Back in high school, I studied French for a few years and still remember some phrases that are essential for communication in today's world: bonjour (good day), merci (thank you) and fermez votre bouche (shut up).

     I've always wanted to visit France and listen to the French speak their language flawlessly. Of course, I probably wouldn't understand a thing and would think I had mistakenly studied German.

     But after reading a recent article, I'm not sure I want to get too close to the French.

     The Los Angeles Times reported the shocking results of a series of polls and studies: 55% of French men and 51% of women do not take a bath or shower daily. The studies, unfortunately, don't tell us how many of them take showers annually. But I can only guess that water consumption is especially high just before Valentine's Day.

     The studies dug up even more dirt on the French: 40% of men and 25% of women don't change their underwear daily. And some of the rest probably don't even wear underwear.

     What's more, 50% of men and 30% of women don't use deodorant. And the men who use the most deodorant are probably the ones who never take showers.

     After hearing all this, some of you are probably thinking of changing your vacation plans. The Eiffel Tower is a nice attraction, but is it really worth it?

     These findings are astounding partly because almost every French household is equipped with a shower or bathtub. And help is readily available for people who can't figure out how to operate the faucets.

     The French are such passionate people, you'd think they'd at least have to take some cold showers.

     It's really strange that the nation that has set many Western standards for polite behavior seems to be lagging in personal hygiene.

     But it may explain how the French soccer team managed to win the 1998 World Cup. When they had the ball, no one wanted to get close to them.

     How else can you explain their 3-0 victory over soccer titan Brazil? Six months after the game, the Brazilians are still holding their noses.

     It should be noted that France hosted the World Cup, which means all the stadiums were filled with French people. Can you say "home field advantage?"

     If visiting teams have trouble breathing in the altitude in Denver's Mile High Stadium, imagine how they felt in Paris.

     The French government needs to address this problem, perhaps through public service ads.

     Perhaps the coach of the United States soccer team could appear on French television, saying, "Our team is terrible, but yours really stinks."

     Perhaps Jerry Lewis, the most popular American in France, could say, "Taking a shower is lots of fun. You should try it sometime."

     Or maybe Fred Rogers can appear on a children's show, saying, "This is known as a deodorant. Can you say deodorant?"

     Of course, I'm just picking on the French, knowing they have a good sense of humor and won't swamp me with angry letters and calls.

     But if they do call me, I hope they speak in French.