MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
FLYING CHEAP MEANS SCROUNGING FOR FOOD

     About a century ago, those ingenious Wright brothers decided that people should fly. And thanks to their persistent efforts, at any given moment, thousands of people are up in the sky, throwing up their breakfasts.

     Flying has its perils, as I came to realize during a recent flight to Texas.

     It was one of my rare flights -- I fly about as often as Mike Tyson plays chess.

     And I'm certainly not an expert on the airline industry, though I do pay great attention whenever a plane crashes. I memorize the name of the airline and vow never to fly on it. Unless it offers me a discount.

     I'm a sucker for discounts. Which is why I keep hoping that Wal-Mart starts its own airline. "Air Wal-Mart: Our prices keep dropping, but not our planes."

     My round-trip ticket from Baltimore to Houston cost only $210. Paying so little, I was relieved that the airline didn't expect me to sit on someone's lap. With my luck, I'd have to sit on some guy who hadn't showered since kindergarten. And we'd probably spend the entire flight discussing the merits of water conservation.

     But I couldn't help noticing how cheap this airline was. It was so cheap that:

     ---No meals were served. Believe it or not, I was actually hoping for airline food. But the closest thing to a meal was a bag of honey-roasted peanuts. And it was such a small bag, it wouldn't feed a mouse. Every now and then, when a passenger dropped a peanut in the aisle, everyone dove for it. It wasn't like a fumble in football -- it was like Mark McGwire's 70th home run. No wonder they kept telling us to wear our seat belts.

     ---No movies were shown on the flight. The only entertainment was watching passengers struggle to open those peanut bags. The words "tear here" are hard to spot when you're starving.

     ---My Pepsi was served in a small plastic cup, with much more ice than Pepsi. Each can of soda was apparently being shared by 12 passengers.

     When your ticket is so cheap, you can't help asking yourself many questions, such as:

     ---Do the flight attendants also fly the plane? They seemed to disappear during the takeoffs and landings.

     ---Are the plastic cups reused on the next flight?

     ---Are the planes made in dingy factories that employ children?

     Seats on the flight were not assigned, which made it easier to follow one of the most important rules of flying: Whenever possible, leave an empty seat between you and the next passenger. If the passenger gets sick, nothing will splash on you.

     The seats were so narrow, you couldn't sit next to someone without feeling like you were hugging them.

     Experienced travelers discourage people from sitting next to them by placing magazines, bags or coats there. Or by making strange sounds. A little schizophrenia goes a long way.

     As I searched for a seat on my return flight, I was disappointed to find that the only seats left were next to other passengers. The passengers stared at me coldly, hoping I wouldn't sit next to them.

     I finally picked a seat between two men who looked like they wanted to kill me. Thankfully, they were soon distracted.

     The peanuts arrived.