MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
PRIME-TIME TELEVISION CHALLENGES PARENTS

     Scott Sassa, head of NBC's prime-time television programming, says he plans to cut back on sex on his shows and try harder to feature one of the most endangered species in America: traditional families.

     In other words, we'll be seeing more of "The Waltons" and less of "The Clintons."

     That should be a relief to all those parents who feel guilty about watching NBC because they have to lock their children in their rooms.

     But Sassa says he won't touch "Friends," the highly rated sitcom that often contains more sex than The Starr Report.

     I'm somewhat glad about that, because "Friends" is one of my favorite shows. I enjoy the single characters, though I often have trouble figuring out who's dating whom.

     From what I can tell, Ross has already been married twice and his sister, Monica, is striving to emulate another Monica we know. She has slept with a man old enough to be her father, as well as his son. Stay tuned: next season, she'll probably date the grandfather.

     If I were a parent, I'd be concerned that my kids would come across "Friends" and decide that it's OK to sleep around, as long as you're careful not to scream out the wrong name.

     It would make more sense for shows like "Friends" to be on at 10 p.m., not 8 p.m., when kids are running around, still high on dessert or candy. Sending them to their rooms so early tends to produce more unneeded noise than the Senate trial.

     It's hard to believe that "Three's Company" was once considered a risque show, with all its innuendo. It's only a matter of time before the reruns appear on a children's network.

     Many of today's shows not only revolve around sex, they're also sprinkled with questionable language. The F-word is still forbidden, but producers are going to town with the A-word and the D-word. Perhaps they need to hear the C-word: canceled.

     Just the other day, I watched an episode of NBC's "Jesse" and heard the A-word at least three times. The characters seemed to enjoy using the synonym for donkey, as in "That guy has a nice donkey." No, it wasn't a show about animals. Animals usually behave better.

     The show that has set a new standard for foul language is Comedy Central's "South Park." It's an entertaining show, but if the producers removed every bad word or rude sentence, the show would be about two minutes long. Including a few commercials.

     Being a cartoon, the show undoubtedly attracts a young audience. But if I had children, I wouldn't let them watch "South Park" until they were at least 31 years old. And that's only after they promise not to repeat anything from the show.

     It's tough being a parent these days, when you have to protect your children from so many things and answer questions you weren't expecting for several years.

     CHILD: "Mom, those two just met on the last show, didn't they? Why are they already sleeping in the same bed?"

     MOM: "Uh ... Well ... It's like a slumber party, dear. None of their other friends showed up, so they're having fun on their own. Now go to your room and play with your toys. You're never watching NBC again!"