This just in: In a last-ditch attempt to save his job and reputation, President Clinton has denied ever having sex.

    "I never had the time," he said, pounding his index finger on a lectern. "I've been too busy."

    Asked how he and Hillary had Chelsea, he said flatly, "She was adopted. She doesn't even look like me."

    Pressed further by Sam Donaldson and other nosy reporters, he admitted, "Okay, maybe she has my genes. But I don't know how they got there."

    Clinton was asked immediately how he and Hillary managed to have a happy marriage. "What she does is her business," he said. "But I've often wondered why the White House needs any male interns."

    According to spokesman Mike McCurry, the president has scheduled four more denials next week. Each will be broadcast on different television networks.

    On CNN, the president will claim that he drank too much before his alleged affair with 21-year-old intern Monica Lewinsky and thought Hillary had surprised him with a facelift.

    On ABC, he will announce that after much reflection, he now realizes that he's definitely gay. "I'm not even attracted to women," he'll say. "How else have I been able to resist Janet Reno?"

    On Court TV, he will borrow a line from O.J.: "Let's say I committed this crime. Even if I did do this, it would have to have been because I loved her very much, right?"

    On NBC, he'll say, "Maybe we had oral sex, but we definitely had an oral agreement. And you can never accuse me of age discrimination."

    A Gallup Poll has found that 60% of Americans believe the president is telling the truth 60% of the time. And 30% believe he tells the truth only when he can't think of a good lie. The remaining 10% think the president has gone insane.

    The poll also found that 75% of Americans don't care whether the president still loves his wife, as long as he still loves his dog. The other 25% don't care how many times he drops his pants, as long as he also drops taxes.

    Rush Limbaugh, the unofficial mouthpiece of the Republican Party, is savoring this scandal. He hasn't salivated so much since his high school prom, when he had the pleasure of sitting beside the buffet.

    "The president has been telling lies for so many years, he's beginning to believe himself," Limbaugh said. "And Hillary believes this is all a vast right-wing conspiracy, as if we right-wingers are that smart."

    Bob Dole, meanwhile, wishes he had heard about Monica Lewinsky before the 1996 elections. And Clinton wishes he had heard about her before Paula Jones. Because Paula has transformed herself from a minor mistress to a major distress.

    Despite the scandal, the president has managed to do some official business -- issuing another stern warning to Saddam Hussein. The Iraqi president responded with a statement that ruffled Clinton: "It gives me endless pleasure to learn that the most powerful man in the world can't even fool around. Not even in his own house. You've got all the weapons, Mr. Clinton, but I've got all the women!"