MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
AMERICANS MUST ADJUST TO NEW ERA

     At the end of the year, people around the world will organize huge parties to celebrate the new millennium. But Americans recently had much more reason to celebrate and should have popped the champagne, danced in the streets and raised their hands to the skies, shouting, "It's over! It's over! The Clinton trial is over!"

     After months of speculation, analysis and testimony on President Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky, the Senate acquitted Clinton on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice, allowing him to focus on more important issues, such as figuring out which woman to pursue next.

     Most Americans know that Clinton is guilty of cheating on his wife and lying to the public, but they want him to remain in office, because they're happy with his performance, especially what he accomplishes when his pants are up.

     Besides, many people aren't fond of the alternative: President Gore.

     The Senate verdict marked the end of a sordid chapter in American history, one that people are eager to forget. The immediate future will bring great changes and challenges to almost every American:

     ---After dedicating entire acts to Clinton's affair, comedians will have to search for new material. But their prayers have already been answered: Dan Quayle is running for president. The former vice president has even created a catchy slogan: "Vote for Quayle, he won't faile."

     ---Clinton will try to repair his presidency and regain some respect, perhaps by fixing Social Security or bombing a few more countries. But first he will need to visit a therapist to help him overcome his newfound habit of apologizing. He's willing to apologize for almost anything: his affairs, slavery, and even The Spice Girls.

     ---Geraldo and other talk show hosts will have to find new topics to discuss. They've already analyzed every aspect of the presidential scandal, including whether Clinton sent secret signals to Lewinsky by gaining five pounds. Perhaps they can invite the Rev. Jerry Falwell, a man of extraordinary powers, to answer important questions such as "Does X-Files star David Duchovny receive e-mail from the devil?" and "Is Barney the dinosaur bisexual?"

     ---Lewinsky will finally exploit her celebrity, earn millions of dollars, and laugh all the way to the shrink. Her tell-all book will be an immediate best-seller, proving that people are always searching for ways to waste their money.

     ---Ken Starr, the independent scoundrel, will have to decide whether to indict the president on criminal charges. He may decide instead to launch an investigation into why the First Lady didn't follow her instincts and give the president a piece of her foot. She gave America a new standard for spousal forgiveness and may have completely ruined things for all those divorce lawyers.

     ---Americans will have to adjust to watching television and reading newspapers without being bombarded with the latest news on the Clinton scandal. And the media, desperate for something to cover, may have to publicize the growing public debate on safety: "Which airbags are more dangerous: the ones in your car or the ones in Congress?"