MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
IT'S EASIER TO GAIN WEIGHT THAN LOSE IT

     About a year ago, I set a goal to lose 10 pounds, and after months of dieting, exercising and visualizing, I'm happy to report that I've managed to lose exactly 10 ounces. A few more months and I'll be up to a full pound.

     At this rate, I'll have a flat stomach by the year 2010. And soon after that, I'll release my diet book and exercise video. (The book will be called "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Blubber.") Then I'll get my own fitness show on ESPN, with several pretty co-hosts who have trouble exercising in anything but bikinis.

     Hey, I may not have mastered dieting and exercising, but I'm an expert on visualization. I can picture exactly what I want, but I just can't seem to get there.

     The problem, of course, is that I can't stay on an exercise program any longer than a few weeks. And I can't stay on a diet any longer than a few hours. I'll have a light lunch, feel good about myself, vow to keep it up, and then find myself eating a whale for dinner. Of course, to save calories, I'll skip the tartar sauce.

     Every time I lose a little weight, I celebrate by stuffing myself. A few months ago, I lost a whopping 5 pounds, then gained it all back over one weekend.

     For most people, it's so much easier to gain weight than lose it. You can gain weight just by looking at food. But, as I've discovered, you can't lose weight by looking at an exercise machine. Or looking at Cindy Crawford exercising.

     I have such a big appetite, I could probably eat a meal every hour. But I don't do that, partly because the doorways in my apartment aren't too wide. And I can't afford a new wardrobe.

     Through my never-ending struggle to stay slim, I've learned many tips on diet and exercise, most of which I'm saving for my diet book and subsequent appearance on Oprah. But I'll give you a sample.

     Here are a few tips about dieting:

     ---You will not find anything healthful in the vending machine. Even if the machine has something healthful, you will not see it.

     ---If your snack gets stuck in the vending machine, be thankful. You will burn a few calories shaking the machine. And if the machine falls on you, you will probably be thinner.

     ---Eating a lot of low-fat pies is a good way to get high-fat thighs.

     ---It is better to count calories than to count chins.

     ---Candy is not good for you, so stop flirting with her.

     ---Limit your intake of dates and nuts, as well as your desire to date nuts.

     ---You cannot eat just one piece of chocolate, unless it's the last piece in the country.

     ---Drinking three glasses of water before every meal will help you lose weight, because you'll burn a lot of calories running to the bathroom.

     And here are a few tips about exercising:

     ---Joining a fitness club is a good idea, but only if you go to it. Just remember: The club has only one guarantee, that you'll pay a monthly fee.

     ---You will not lose any more calories by grunting. And grunting may get you in trouble, especially if you're in the Oval Office.

     ---Three minutes of walking burns more calories than three hours of running your mouth. Just ask Rush Limbaugh.

     ---Always make long-term goals. Especially if you want to be as fit as me in 2010. If I can do it, you can, too!