MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
"MODEST MONICA TELLS US EVERYTHING"

     If you're one of the few Americans who didn't watch the Monica Lewinsky interview on "20/20," I have only one thing to say to you: Where are your priorities?

     Lucky for you, I obtained an unedited videotape of the interview and, as a public service, am willing to share some excerpts:

     BARBARA WALTERS: Monica, you have been described as a bimbo, a stalker, and a seductress. And those were the words of your friends. Describe yourself.

     MONICA: I think I^Òm very loving, very loyal and intelligent. I certainly feel I^Òve been misportrayed in the past year. I should have been described as a loving bimbo, a loyal stalker and an intelligent seductress.

     BARBARA: This is the first time you^Òve really been able to speak out, here on my show, not Oprah's. Is there something you particularly want to say?

     MONICA: Yes, there certainly is. Hi Mom! I'm on TV! Look, Barbara Walter's interviewing me. And we^Òre talking about my affair with the president. Aren't you proud?

     BARBARA: Monica, try to remember your lines. Is there something you particularly want to say?

     MONICA: Oh, sorry. Yes, there is. I wouldn't dream of asking Chelsea and Mrs. Clinton to forgive me, but I would ask them to know that I am very sorry for what happened and what they've been through. And I'd also like to apologize in advance for smiling so much as I describe how I seduced the president. I'll try to remember to cry later.

     BARBARA: On Nov. 15, 1995, you found yourself alone with Bill Clinton and you lifted the back of your jacket and you showed the president of the United States your big, fat butt. Where did you get the nerve?

     MONICA: Take my word for it, it was a small, subtle flirtatious gesture. If I had wanted to be more obvious, I would have done a handstand on his desk.

     BARBARA: When he kissed you, what did you think?

     MONICA (laughing): He's a good kisser. Even better than all the other married men I've kissed.

     BARBARA: You are a very sensual, passionate young woman. Is Bill Clinton a sensual, passionate man? And does he like older women like me?

     MONICA (laughing hysterically): I think he is a very sensual man who has a lot of sensual feelings and he also has a very strong religious upbringing. In fact, when I first got on my knees in front of him, he thought I was praying. And another time, when we heard footsteps outside his office, he said, "Good Lord, let that not be my wife."

     BARBARA: After your fifth sexual encounter, you said to Bill Clinton: "Is this only about sex or are you interested in getting to know me as a person?" What did he say?

     MONICA: He started to cry and told me he never wanted me to think that he was only after sex. That's not what this relationship was about, he said. We were just starting with sex and moving on to higher things. He said he'd eventually get to know me as well as he knows his wife. Soon after he left her.

     BARBARA: And you believed all this? You may be a loving and loyal woman, Monica, but you can forget about the intelligent part.