MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
"INSURANCE COULD PROTECT US FROM EVERYTHING"

     Some months ago, a newspaper article made me realize that I haven't bought enough insurance. I'm insured against car accidents, fires and all kinds of illnesses, but what if I'm out on the streets one day and happen to run into Mike Tyson?

     And what if he starts drooling at the sight of my big ears? Does my health insurance cover ear transplants?

     I know Mike's in prison right now, but he'll be out in a few months and he's likely to be pretty mad.

     Anyone who's made fun of him could face his wrath. So it's about time insurance companies started selling a new form of insurance: crazy-athlete insurance. This insurance would protect you if Mike tries to bite you, Latrell Sprewell tries to choke you, or O.J. tries to kill you.

     After all, according to the article by Vicki Haddock of the "San Francisco Examiner," some insurance companies have started offering all kinds of strange policies.

     A London firm has sold policies against alien abduction, impregnation and werewolf metamorphosis.

     Perhaps I should buy a policy. I'm not afraid of being kidnapped by aliens or turning into a werewolf, but the thought of pregnancy terrifies me. I don't know how women do it. They're certainly not the weaker sex.

     Apparently, thousands of people have bought insurance against aliens. I'd like to buy insurance against these people.

     The only aliens I've ever had contact with are illegal aliens. And they're a fine group of people, who never once tried to kidnap me. Some even spoke my language.

     A few insurance companies even let you insure your most valued body parts. Mary Hart insured her legs, Bruce Springsteen insured his vocal cords, and we can only guess what Bill Clinton insured.

     It seems to me we need many more kinds of insurance, such as these:

     ---Nasty-boss insurance: If your boss is too overbearing, this insurance would give the boss a free vacation to Paris. But the plane, filled with rotten bosses, would be suddenly "hijacked" to Siberia. This would be the best-selling insurance in the world.

     ---Bad-hair insurance: This covers you if your hair stylist, through perms and dyes, accidentally makes you look like an alien. The insurance company would allow you to profit from the disaster, paying you to scare other people into buying alien-abduction insurance.

     ---Marriage insurance: If your marriage breaks up, the insurance company would replace your spouse with a gorgeous mail-order bride or groom. Pay a higher premium and you'd actually get someone who speaks English.

     ---Child-support insurance: If your ex-husband doesn't pay up, the insurance company would give you enough money to hire someone to break his knees.

     ---Circumcision insurance: If the scalpel slips, this insurance would pay for a reattachment. If the surgery fails, the insurance would pay for a thousand visits to a psychiatrist. And a set of Barbie dolls.

     ---Stupidity insurance: This covers you if you do anything stupid, including driving while drunk, exercising while sick, and flirting while married.

     ---Insurance-agent insurance: This protects you from pushy insurance agents. The insurance company would replace your agent as many times as you want. As long as you don't request an agent from outer space. That would cost extra.