MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
"A NEW VIRUS TROUBLES US EVERY DAY"

     A gaunt, pale-faced computer analyst walks into his manager's office with some bad news: "Boss, one of our computers seems to be infected with a virus. And my doctor just told me that I've contracted a deadly virus."

     The manager falls into his chair and starts weeping: "Oh, no! That's terrible news! What are you going to do?"

     "I can't do anything. The doctor told me there's no cure. I have only 24 hours to live."

     The manager rises and smiles: "Twenty-four hours? Great! That's more than enough time for you to save the computer."

     In this technology-driven world, computer viruses seem to be causing more panic than human viruses. I've received many e-mail messages warning me about computer viruses, but I don't recall a single one warning me about AIDS.

     Of course, anyone who has spent thousands of dollars on a computer is naturally concerned about viruses. And it's even worse for a computer novice like me who has almost no idea how to deal with them. I keep worrying that a virus is going to kill my mouse. Poor mouse. It has its own pad, but no place to hide.

     The "Melissa" virus that recently swamped computers around the globe is an example of how sophisticated viruses have become. They can do almost anything, even name themselves after a topless dancer.

     A few months ago, I received an e-mail carrying a warning similar to this:

     VIRUS WARNING! If you receive an e-mail titled "Free Money From Bill Gates," delete it immediately. It's the most dangerous piece of mail known to mankind. Even more dangerous than the letters that say, "You may have just won a million dollars."

     The virus hidden in this e-mail is so destructive that:

     ---It will enter your hard drive and erase every file, program and indecent picture.

     ---It will send e-mail messages from your computer to every member of Congress, telling them you once had an affair with Bill Clinton.

     ---It will spread to your refrigerator, causing your ice cream to melt and your beer to spoil.

     ---It will reprogram your VCR to tape every episode of "Jerry Springer."

     ---It will adjust the settings on your radio to receive only oldies stations.

     ---It will make your dogs wag at strangers and bark at you.

     ---It will make your children tattoo every body part. If they haven't already.

     Of course, that virus was just a joke, like a lot of others. But if it were possible to create such a virus, some idiot would no doubt dedicate his life to doing so.

     David L. Smith, 30, of Aberdeen, N.J., allegedly created "Melissa" and named it after a dancer in Florida. They apparently made a good pair: She was topless, he was hopeless.

     "Melissa" was designed to use a victim's e-mail address book to send 50 messages filled with pornographic sites. Just in case someone on the Internet was having trouble finding porn.

     Smith has been charged with several crimes, including interruption of public communications. If convicted, he should be sent to prison for at least a few years. And no matter how much he complains, he should not be allowed to take his computer with him.

     His creativity can be put to a better use. Such as making license plates.