MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
"MALE MODELS SET HIGH STANDARDS FOR ALL MEN"

     I usually try to avoid writing about violence or bloodshed. But every now and then, I hear about an incident that's so terrible, it would be wrong, even shameful, of me to ignore it. That's why I'm compelled to write about that fateful day in late March when the world was shocked to hear that a bird, completely unprovoked, had flown straight into Fabio's nose.

     Actually, to say the world was shocked is a slight exaggeration. It would be more accurate to say that many Americans who heard about the incident were shocked, concerned and saddened. Oh no, they said, poor bird.

     In case you don't know, Fabio is the male supermodel whose face and physique have graced the covers of many a romance novel. Fabio has a square jaw, pecs of steel, and long, beautiful hair that many women -- and some men -- envy.

     And as if his looks aren't enough, I've even heard rumors that Fabio is smart.

     So it shouldn't surprise you that Fabio is loved and admired by thousands of people, including himself.

     The unidentified bird struck Fabio during a promotional ride for a new roller coaster at Busch Gardens, a Williamsburg, Va., theme park.

     According to the Associated Press, Fabio was showing off the Apollo's Chariot coaster to reporters, during an event promoted as "Modern-Day 'Adonis' vs. Ancient-Day 'Sun God.'" Apparently the Sun God was a little too powerful for the Adonis, summoning the fury of a bird, perhaps with help from an immortal being named Alfred Hitchcock.

     Fabio was treated at the local hospital for a one-inch cut on the bridge of his nose. It's still not clear exactly how many nurses had to be treated for involuntary swooning.

     Some people are calling Fabio's bird encounter a freak accident. But it has to be more than just that. If the world is coming to an end in the year 2000, this is a definite sign.

     The park has operated roller coasters since 1978 and no rider had ever collided with a bird. Why Fabio and why now, so close to the millennium?

     I prefer to think that the brave bird was striking a blow for ordinary males like me who can't live up to the lofty standards Fabio has set.

     He and other male models are contributing to a disturbing trend: the objectification of men. It's not enough if you have brains, personality and a job -- women want the total package, complete with lush hair on the head and no hair on the back.

     Yes, I know men have treated women like sex objects for hundreds of years, but why do women want to switch roles now, in my lifetime?

     After all, two wrongs do not make a right.

     Perhaps the bird would have agreed. It's a pity reporters on the scene didn't get a chance to interview it.

     REPORTER: Why did you fly into Fabio's nose?

     BIRD: I was just flying by and from the corner of my eye, I spotted this extremely attractive man. We birds usually find you humans so ugly -- even Brad Pitt looks like the bottom of an old nest. But Fabio was so handsome, my heart just started racing and my wings felt weak. And before I knew it, I had crashed into him.

     REPORTER: Did he say anything to you?

     BIRD: Yes, he said, "Hey, silly bird, look what you've done. You've messed up all my makeup."