MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
"OUR LIVES WILL ONE DAY SEEM SO PRIMITIVE"

     After recently writing several stories about life in the first decade of this century, I couldn't help thinking how primitive those people were. They had to live without electricity, running water and Viagra.

     Radios and televisions didn't exist, so families often had to spend their evenings talking to each other. Parents knew where their children were and what they were smoking.

     High school students didn't own calculators and had to know how to add and subtract. Many even knew how to multiply and divide!

     Ed McMahon was not yet born, so people had a lot less mail.

     No one owned credit cards, so it was hard to go bankrupt.

     I can't help wondering what people will write about us 100 years from now. Perhaps it will sound something like this:

     Life was a struggle for the primitive people of the late 1990s.

     Many didn't own computers and had to speak to each other face to face. Hugging and shaking hands were popular forms of greeting, making it easier for people to spread germs. As a result, today's uncommon cold was quite common then.

     Robots were rare and unsophisticated, forcing people to work hard for a living. Most worked as many as 40 hours a week, with only Saturday and Sunday to play golf.

     Only a few worked from home. They had to be at their factories and offices to get work done and endured an inhumane requirement: facing their bosses.

     Disgruntled workers were common, especially at the post office. The popularity of e-mail would later turn the post office into the ghost office.

     People carried money around, in the form of notes and coins, because many places, including yard sales, thrift shops and churches, did not accept credit cards. Even beggars accepted only cash.

     People had to diet and exercise to lose weight, because they didn't have any liposuction drive-throughs.

     Plastic surgery was expensive, so only a few people, including actors, television anchors and White House interns, were good-looking. Many of the rest had to rely on dark glasses and makeup.

     President Bill Clinton was widely criticized and ridiculed for his affair with Monica Lewinsky, a White House intern. People never imagined that fooling around with the president would one day become an internship requirement.

     People drove primitive vehicles called cars that could not fly. Only a few owned helicopters. Cars were not computerized, so drivers had to control and steer them. Drivers also needed directions, forcing many men to spend half their lives driving in circles.

     Few people used virtual stores. Going shopping meant searching for a parking spot for a few minutes, walking around a store for a few hours, and standing in line at the cash registers for a few days.

     Many people used forks, spoons and knives to feed themselves. Others used chopsticks and their hands. Only those on life support were fed through tubes. To eat ice cream, people had to scoop it into bowls, instead of sucking it through a tube.

     Primitive sports included football and boxing. Boxers often beat each other to a pulp, while people cheered. One famous boxer even bit another. And he was back in the ring faster than you can say barbarian.

     We should all be thankful we didn't live during that terrible period.