MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
"LAWSUITS ARE AN EASY WAY TO GET RICH"

     I've worked more than five years and gained some valuable experience. But I wish my savings account could have grown a little faster, perhaps as fast as my bald spot.

     Then at least I'd be able to afford a good toupee. Or a lifetime supply of Rogaine.

     Instead, I'll have to resort to the poor man's solution: the comb-over. As every balding man knows, a little hair can go a long way. Especially if you stay out of the wind.

     But maybe I can find an easy way to
become rich.

     I could play the lottery and become an instant millionaire. But the chances of winning are rather slim. It's like betting on Howard Stern going five minutes without mentioning sex.

     I could marry a rich woman and share some of her wealth. But I'm having enough trouble trying to marry a poor woman.

     That leaves me with only one promising option: finding someone to sue.

     It's the American way. The fastest way to become rich is to sue the rich. Or at least threaten to sue. The settlement could be worth $1 million.

     I could settle for that.

     Heck, I could settle for a tenth of that. I'd be a billionaire in Mexico.

     Whatever happens to you in life, you can always find someone to sue. And if you can't, your lawyer will.

     Failed a test? Sue your teacher for not preparing you.

     Drove your car into a tree? Sue the tree's owner for planting it so close to the road.

     Drank too much beer and bumped your
head on the floor? Sue the beer company for not warning you to wear a helmet.

     The City of Philadelphia is reportedly considering suing cigarette companies for the costs of fighting fires started by people smoking in bed. They've hired an attorney named Sue Themall.

     Pretty soon they'll be suing spray paint companies for the cost of cleaning graffiti. And dog owners for the cost of repainting fire hydrants.

     The families of three students killed in a 1997 school shooting in West Paducah, Ky., believe the gunman was inspired by a
movie, a video game and several
pornographic web sites. They're suing
Time Warner, Sony, Nintendo and others. I'm surprised they're not suing Al Gore, the inventor of the Internet.

     When it comes to suing, the possibilities are endless. Which means I won't have any
trouble becoming rich.

     I'll sue Breyers and other ice cream makers for failing to warn me that their products are addictive and can make me gain weight.

     I'll sue Ford, Toyota and others for making cars that go faster than the speed limit. And making their seats so comfortable, you can't help falling asleep.

     I'll sue Tommy Hilfiger for designing clothes I can't afford and making me look
old-fashioned.

     I'll sue Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky for wasting my time and corrupting my mind.

     I'll sue Jerry Seinfeld for ending his show and ruining my Thursday nights.

     And of course, I'll sue my mother for giving me bad genes and forcing me to worry
about baldness. If it weren't for these genes, I'd have as much hair as Koko the gorilla. And I'd probably be as intelligent.

     Write to me if you'd like to be sued, too. My lawyer would hate to leave you out.