MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
"AMERICA NEEDS MORE GUN CONTROL"

     If you're a zealous member of the National Rifle Association, don't bother reading this column.

     Save yourself a lot of trouble and just shoot me now.

     Think of it as self-defense. Or even a sport.

     If you want, I'll wear antlers on my head and crawl around on all fours. I'll even tattoo a bull's eye on my butt.

     But don't get me wrong. I'm not against hunting. After all, if it weren't for people like you willing to kill animals, meat-lovers like me would be forced to eat vegetables.
We'd be barbecuing beets and zucchinis, and putting cucumbers in our hot dog rolls. And we'd be grazing with the cows, instead of grazing on them.

     But maybe we should all go back to bows and arrows. Guns are too effective. And they're too easy to buy and use, so easy that even children are taking them to
schools.

     What happened to the good old days when a rebellious, mischievous child took a rat to school?

     Principal: "Mikey, why did you shoot
Johnny?"

     Mikey: "He looked at me funny. Like I'm weird or something."

     Principal: "You are weird. You wear T-shirts with violent messages and you threaten to kill almost everyone. You've been in my office more times than my secretary. Where did you get your gun?"

     Mikey: "Oh, it was just lying around at home, like the other 20 my dad owns. We have so many guns, mom uses the rifles to prop up her tomato plants. And dad uses the handguns to mix his martinis."

     Principal: "Well, do you realize you may be sent to prison?"

     Mikey: "Yes, sir. I want to go to prison. It's better than working for a living."

     There are so many guns in America that it's about time K mart, Wal-Mart and other department stores started selling
bulletproof vests. I'd also like to see bulletproof pants and bulletproof
underwear:

     Introducing the bulletproof Wonder Bra: Guaranteed to make you feel bigger
and safer.

     Introducing bulletproof Jockey briefs: Because the right to bear arms isn't as important as the right to bear children.

     Even before the recent school shooting in Littleton, Colo., I disliked guns. Now I dislike them even more. If it were up to me, we'd confiscate most guns, grind them to a fine powder and sprinkle it all over NRA president Charlton Heston's head.

     We'd crown him president of the National Rifle-less Association.

     Partly because of the NRA, it's easier to get a gun than a driver's license.

     To get a license, you have to answer such difficult questions as: How fast should you drive if the speed limit is 65 miles per hour? (A) At 80 miles per hour if you were born after 1980 and 35 miles per hour if you were born before 1935. (B) At 100
miles per hour if you're driving a BMW. (C) As fast as you want if you're a diplomat.

     And after passing the written test, you have to demonstrate a number of advanced
driving skills, including yielding, slowing down and parallel parking.

     To get a gun, all you do is complete an application and wait a few days. You don't even have to pass a test on the common art of holding up a bank.

     Of course, as the NRA likes to say, guns don't kill people. People kill people.

     Guns just make it a whole lot easier.