MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
"NON-ATHLETES NEED SOME GLORY, TOO"

     After the recent school shooting in Littleton, Colo., I asked a high school principal what could be done to prevent such a tragedy. We need to show all students that they're valued, he said.

     Indeed, many high schoolers feel worthless compared to the jocks or athletes, who are so popular, they sometimes have to draw straws to decide which student will do their homework.

     Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, the teen killers in Colorado, detested jocks so much, they were willing to commit murder, an act that may have finally united them with their idol, Adolf Hitler. He's probably building quite an impressive following in hell.

     I have to admit that, back in college, I wasn't too fond of jocks, either. I didn't hate them, but I envied all the attention they received, especially from the pretty cheerleaders.

     I don't recall any of those cheerleaders showing up at the library to urge me on: "Go Melvin! Study hard and do your best! Go Melvin! Beat every nerd who takes the test!"

     Jocks were the kings of campus, just
because, while other students were
mastering algebra and chemistry, they were mastering the acclaimed art of handling a ball.

     Not just any ball. At my college, it had to be a big ball like a soccer ball or basketball. At least as big as Don King's hair.

     Jockdom was an exclusive club and
pingpong players could not apply. Even if they were named Ming Hong and could
smash that little ball all the way to Hong Kong.

     When was the last time you saw pingpong players on the cover of "Sports Illustrated?" They have absolutely no chance, unless they happen to look cute in bikinis.

     I played pingpong, badminton and tennis, none of which were considered real sports at my college. The closest I came to being a jock was finding a way to get jock itch. But it didn't last long, so I had to settle for athlete's foot.

     To be a jock, it seemed, you had to use lots of equipment -- helmets, shinguards, knee pads, and of course jockstraps. I tried wearing a helmet, but that made it hard to spot the shuttlecock.

     Some of the athletes in college were snobs. Consumed by their popularity, they had easily transformed themselves from jocks to jerks.

     But most were nice. A few were even
well-rounded, excelling in sports as well as academics. So as you can imagine, I
couldn't stand them.

     Athletes, of course, aren't the only ones popular in school. Good-looking kids are, too. But what happens if you aren't blessed with looks or athletic ability? Do you try to get good grades, so you can become the next Bill Gates and control the world? Or do you amass friends through the Internet, calling yourself Cyberstud?

     "People" magazine recently celebrated
attractive people in its "50 Most Beautiful People in the World" issue. I'm still waiting for "People" to devote an issue to the "50 Most Desirable Nerds in the World." Or the "50 Most Intelligent Jocks."

     The Colorado killers, Harris and Klebold, ended up receiving lots of media attention. Their young faces appeared on the covers of several magazines.

     I can't help wondering: Could they have made all those covers without doing
something illegal?

     Yes, of course they could have. But I don't think they were interested in having an affair with Bill Clinton.