MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
"WOMEN FACE UNNATURAL BEAUTY IDEAL"

     Pamela Anderson, the former "Baywatch" actress, recently lost about 50 pounds, using an amazing new weight-loss program called "Remove the Breast Implants."

     Now, after all these years, she can finally stand up straight. She's a full three inches taller.

     The blond goddess said she wanted to look natural. And all I could think was, "What a unique idea."

     I felt the urge to shout: "Good for you, Pam! You don't need artificial breasts. You've got looks, you've got style, you've got tattoos."

     Anderson has made a few poor decisions in her life, but this isn't one of them. Of course, some of her male fans, obsessed with her bust, may disagree. But it's too late now. All they can do is cry and scream and learn to use the enlarge button on their photocopying machines.

     Anderson is setting a good example for all those women who think they need a bigger bust to feel attractive and complete. They're willing to spend thousands of dollars and risk their health to achieve our society's well-promoted and increasingly unnatural beauty ideal: pencil-thin woman with a chest you can spot from Mars.

     Removing the implants was a daring move for Anderson. She may have hurt her career. Hollywood directors may frown on her smaller bust. They may require her to play characters who don't wear bikinis or low-cut tops. They may even require her to act.

     Publishers of swimsuit calendars and posters may drop Anderson faster than you can accuse them of breastploitation. They've probably already sent her one of these letters:

     "Dear Ms. Anderson:

     While we like your natural look, we cannot offer you any more work because, in your current state, you do not fill enough space on our calendars.

     But we recommend that you continue your modeling career, perhaps with another reputable company, such as Wal-Mart. Of course, they will probably only hire you part time.

     But they may give you a hefty store discount, so you'll be able to buy a whole new set of smaller bras. May we suggest that you donate your old bras to the NATO forces in Kosovo. They can use them as catapults. That may help improve their accuracy.

     They've been killing so many civilians, you'd think that Slobodan Milosevic hired them.

     Whatever you decide to do, we wish you good luck in your career and may your implants rest in peace.

     Sincerely, John Smith,
executive director,
Realistic Photos Inc."

     If Anderson damaged her career, at least it's for the right reason. Unfortunately, many others are doing the reverse. Popular singer Britney Spears, only 17, recently enhanced her bust -- or so it seems to the people who are paid to notice such things. I'm sure her new acquisitions will help her sell a lot more music.

     Perhaps I'm in the minority, but I've never really cared much about a woman's bust size. And I don't think women should have to undergo surgery just to satisfy some men. If a man likes bigger breasts, then he should get the implants for himself.

     If he can't accept you the way you are, you don't want him anyway.