From mdurai@mail.cvn.net Sat May 22 09:15:16 1999 Date: Fri, 21 May 1999 00:28:00 -0400 From: Melvin Durai To: Editor Subject: Melvin Durai's Humor Column -- resend [The following text is in the "iso-8859-1" character set] [Your display is set for the "US-ASCII" character set] [Some characters may be displayed incorrectly] MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN (Editor's note: Melvin Durai is on vacation next week. This column was originally printed on July 8, 1996.) "LANDLORDS ARE MASTERS OF YOUR DOMAIN" A friend once asked me whether I'd like to adopt a black puppy from the animal shelter. "It's so cute," she said. She wanted to adopt the puppy herself, but her landlord would have thrown a fit. And then he might have thrown her out. I couldn't adopt the puppy either, because my apartment is also ruled by a landlord. My landlord has all kinds of written and unwritten rules, most designed to ensure that I never see my security deposit. Some examples: ---No jumping jacks in the middle of the night, no matter how strong my urge to exercise. The tenants in the apartment below might think we're having an earthquake. If they die of shock, it would be a real tragedy, especially to my landlord, who would lose some rent money. And he may decide to do some jumping jacks on me. ---No personal washing machines or dryers. I'm not even allowed to dry clothes in the oven. My landlord must own stock in the local laundromat. ---No loud parties without inviting the neighbors and anyone else who might complain to the landlord. ---No pets unless they swim in an aquarium. And as I've found, it's hard to turn a cat into a catfish. Of course, I've never broken any of my landlord's rules. I'm hesitant to do anything that might upset him. I have a month-to-month lease, which means I could be homeless next month. Like all my previous landlords, he seems to hold a lot of power over me. His title itself intimidates me. He's a landLORD and I'm a tenANT. A lord is always more powerful than an ant. He could step on me and not even know it. These titles go back to the early days in England when a certain lord of the manor allowed his land to be occupied by ten ants. Things would be easier if we could change these titles. I'd rather be a tenlord and have him as my landant. After more than 10 years of renting, I've become an expert on landlords. Here's some free advice: ---Paying the rent on time is crucial. Don't wait for a bill. And don't ask if there's a minimum monthly payment. The landlord isn't running a credit agency. That's why the rent is due at the beginning of the month, not after you get paid. ---If you're expected to give 30 days notice to break the lease, don't try 29 days. Asking your landlord for such a favor is like borrowing money from your wife to hire a divorce lawyer. ---Try to avoid landlords who are lawyers. It's hard enough dealing with a landlord who doesn't have power of attorney. I rented from a lawyer once. Big mistake. He wrote the lease in his own language. Every time I complained about something, I thought he would sue me. ---Don't bother trying to conceal any damage to your apartment when you leave. Most landlords are blessed with a sixth sense, the sense of detection. They can detect a missing thread in a carpet. And soon, your security deposit will also be missing. Through experience, I've learned not to test my landlord's skills. That's why I decided not to adopt that cute puppy. If my landlord overheard a puppy whimpering in my apartment, I'd soon be the one whimpering. -------------------------------------------------------- Melvin Durai is a humor columnist at the Chambersburg, Pa., Public Opinion. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Write to him at 77 N. Third St., Chambersburg, Pa. 17201 or mdurai@mail.cvn.net Read previous columns at http://www.cvn.net/mdurai