MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
"DREAMS GIVE US HAPPINESS AND DISTRESS"

     I have this recurring nightmare: I'm back in college and it's finals week. I suddenly realize I haven't attended any of the classes in one course all semester. I'm tormented by the prospect of trying to pass an exam in a tough subject like chemistry, without knowing the difference between an element and an elephant.

     This nightmare is obviously a curse from one of the many professors whose classes I skipped. I was a terrible student. I majored in tennis and video games, and minored in sleeping. I should have earned a bachelor's degree in college recreation.

     It's been years since I graduated -- which itself was a miracle -- yet I can't seem to escape the nightmare. And that's why I think it's extremely important that President Clinton and Congress allocate more money in next year's federal budget for dream research.

     We need to find a way to just have pleasant dreams. After all, we spend almost a third of our lives sleeping, not including the times we snooze at work.

     A recent survey by The Company Store in Wisconsin found that people would most like to dream about family and home, with money a solid second choice. Even bankers like to dream about money.

     Among the recurring dreams people reported: "Winning the lottery," "Meeting the Sports Illustrated swimsuit models," and "Being elected president." Why can't I have dreams like that? I'd like to do all three, though I suppose meeting attractive women won't be a problem once I'm elected president.

     If we could somehow select our dreams, here are the scenarios some famous people might pick:

     ---Bill Clinton: After seeing an actual television ad inviting him to the World Cup final in women's soccer, he accepts a seat on the sideline. It's the United States vs. Sweden and they're kicking a ball that looks a lot like Ken Starr's head. The women make a lot of great passes, especially after the game when they meet Clinton.

     ---George Foreman: He's 90 and still boxing, despite arthritis in both arms. In fact, he's fighting for the world title against 22-year-old Jailbird Tyson, named after his grandfather, Mike. Foreman knocks out Tyson and wins the huge prize that motivated him: 100 million cheeseburgers. Among the cheering fans are Evander Holyfield and his 207 children.

     ---Richard Simmons: The diet guru is called to solve a national crisis: It's January 2001 and a new president and first lady want to move into the White House. But Bill Clinton is too fat and they can't get him out. He's been eating too many french fries. Only two options seem feasible: widening the doors and rolling Clinton out or removing the roof and lifting him with a helicopter. But Simmons has a better idea: He asks Ross Perot to run around the White House in his birthday suit. Clinton immediately loses his appetite. In five days, he runs through the doors. Simmons becomes a national hero, gaining the right to hug anyone he wants. Even the Sports Illustrated models.

     ---Bill Gates: After Microsoft acquires Netscape and other rivals, Gates is so rich, he can buy every member of Congress. All antitrust charges against him are dropped and several federal organizations are renamed in his honor, including the Bill Gates Department of Justice and the Microsoft House of Representatives. Even the country bears his name: United Gates of America.