MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
"OLD FOLKS DESERVE MORE RESPECT"

     As a journalist, I'm paid to ask tough questions. But there's one question I always hesitate to ask, because I know it makes people uneasy. I have to be really delicate when I say those words: May I ask how old you are?

     Then I take a deep breath, while hoping and praying I won't be attacked.

     There's only one thing worse than asking people their age: asking them their weight. Thank goodness journalists are generally not expected to do that. Though it would make for some interesting reading: John Smith, 39, a father of four who weighs 550 pounds, was arrested yesterday for failing to feed his children. Smith, who reportedly spends all his time eating, said he's in training to be a sumo wrestler.

     Many Americans over 30 are reluctant to reveal their age. And the thought of someone printing it in a newspaper mortifies them. You might as well print their credit card numbers.

     At times, I feel like just estimating people's ages by asking questions such as:

     ---At your first job interview, did you wear a tie that was wider than your shirt?

     ---When you were young, did you keep in touch with friends through e-mail, letters or smoke signals?

     ---Do you remember what life was like before fire was invented?

     People hate to grow old. That's why, even while they're still fairly young, they stop celebrating, and start dreading, their birthdays. Every birthday is like a nasty relative who keeps visiting to remind them that they're getting older. "You're one year older today!" the relative says. "It's almost time to start learning how to play bingo!"

     Of course, I think it's crazy to be so concerned about your age. And just to prove my point, I was going to tell you how old I am. But my age is really not relevant. Suffice to say that I was born in the dark ages, before women played soccer.

     According to a recent American
Association of Retired Persons survey, the typical American wants to live to be 91. That's an excellent number to put on a birthday cake, giving people one of the few benefits of being dyslexic. Or reading upside down.

     But I'm sure no 91-year-old is saying, "I've lived long enough. It's about time I kicked the bucket. Now where did I leave that bucket?"

     Nope, they're probably saying, "Nine more years. That's all I want. I'm so close to 100, it would be a real shame to die now. Nine more years and that strange guy on the 'Today' show will wish me a happy birthday and call me cute."

     And every centenarian is probably saying, "I can't believe I'm 100. I wonder if I can make it to 110. Perhaps I can get in the Guinness Book of Records as the oldest human to surf the Internet."

     As many older people would tell you, growing old is not so bad, especially when you consider the alternative: dying young.

     As long as you're alive, aging is inevitable, no matter how much money you give to your plastic surgeon. That's why I find it puzzling when I see young people disrespecting or making fun of older folks, calling them names like "old fogy."

     Time, I suppose, will take its own revenge.