MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
"FEMALE ATHLETES COULD TEACH MEN A THING OR TWO"

     I'm still kicking myself. I could have gone to the recent women's World Cup match between the United States and Germany. The quarterfinal, played near Washington, D.C., produced some thrilling soccer and was attended by an honorable guest from the White House: Chelsea Clinton. She was thoughtful enough to bring her father.

     I didn't go because I thought the match would be sold out. I thought every soccer fan this side of the Ohio River would be eager to cheer the American squad and marvel at the talents of Mia Hamm, Julie Foudy and others. But there seemed to be more empty seats than at Dan Quayle's speeches.

     Even so, this year's World Cup has set attendance records for women's soccer and marks a breakthrough for women's sports. As far as I'm concerned, the women's soccer games are more exciting than the men's. The women score more goals and, unlike the men, manage to keep me awake.

     At a women's World Cup match, you can be assured of seeing at least five goals. At a men's match, you can be assured of seeing at least five thousand hooligans. Not including the ones on the field.

     I attended a men's match five years ago and recall a drunken Dutch fan who celebrated his team's scores by splashing the spectators in front of him with beer. In a way, that was a good thing, because it kept him from drinking even more. His veins already carried more alcohol than blood.

     At a men's match, there's no shortage of wimps. Every time an opponent touches them, the players fall and writhe in "pain," hoping the referee will call a foul. Some of them could give acting lessons to Tom Hanks.

     The women, in general, are models of sportsmanship, or should I say sportswoman -ship?

     Soccer is one of several sports in which women have almost equaled or surpassed men in entertainment value. The others include basketball, tennis, boxing and pool. (Yes, it's a sport.)

     Women in the WNBA play an exciting brand of basketball that draws fairly large crowds, despite the lack of dunking, fighting and swearing.

     I'm still waiting to see which woman will become the first to choke her coach. Or head-butt the referee.

     In tennis, the women are definitely more entertaining than the men, especially on fast surfaces. Martina Hingis, Steffi Graf, Monica Seles and others don't usually overpower their opponents. They deftly move them around, mixing up their shots before hitting a winner. And Seles, a master on the court, sometimes scares her opponents into submission by grunting loudly.

     In contrast, the men's game is too much power and not enough finesse. So many points are decided by one or two shots. The only excitement comes when the ball hits a line judge.

     But there's at least one sport women have yet to conquer: American football. When I suggested the idea to a friend of mine, he said there's too much hitting in football for women.

     Too much hitting? My friend may be right, but you'd never see him climbing into a ring with one of those female boxers.

     Nope, you'd see him running in the opposite direction. And I'd be close behind.