MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
"IT'S BETTER TO BE AN INSECT THAN A RACIST"

     So I'm sitting at home, watching television, and NBC's Katie Couric is interviewing Matthew Hale, leader of the World Church of the Creator. One of his followers, Benjamin Nathaniel Smith, has just gone on a shooting spree in the Midwest, wounding six people and killing an African-American and an Asian. And Hale, whose so-called church teaches white supremacy, says he feels no responsibility. And to top it off, he says he feels as much compassion for non-whites as he feels for animals and insects.

     Yes, insects.

     At this moment, I feel like an angry bee. A bee that wants to fly across the country and find out whether Matthew Hale's butt is any more tender than his heart.

     Did he have to say "insects?"

     Animals, I can take, because in a broad sense we're all animals. Or at least we act like them. That's why women are always saying things like, "You men are all dogs." And men say things like, "I'd love to date her. She's a real fox."

     Animals, I can take, because most of us feel terrible when we accidentally kill an animal, especially a cute animal like a squirrel. After running over a squirrel with our car, we feel so bad, we want to apologize to the squirrel's parents. We want to attend the squirrel's funeral. And we want to give the eulogy: "He seemed like such a cute squirrel, I wish I could have met him and gotten to know him better. But I only ran into him once. I just hope he has gone to a better place, where he never has to cross roads."

     Animals, I can take, because most of us are willing to pay to see animals. We go to zoos to see wild animals like giraffes and lions. We go to circuses to see talented animals like elephants and tigers. And now and then, we also go to pro wrestling matches.

     Animals, I can take, because some animals are quite intelligent. Kangaroos are intelligent enough to box. Monkeys are intelligent enough to scratch each other. And dogs are intelligent enough to be in beer commercials.

     Animals, I can take, because some animals are pets and receive better treatment than many children. Not only do they get free food and shelter, they never have to take out the trash. Some dogs have their own little houses with air conditioning and Internet connections. Yes, in case you're wondering, that hot date you met at match.com may indeed be a real dog.

     Animals, I can take, but insects ... no way.

     Insects, I can't take, because some, like spiders, give me the creeps, though I'm a grown man with hair on my chin. There are so many kinds of insects -- flies, crickets, mosquitoes, beetles, bees, centipedes, ticks -- and I don't want any of them as pets.

     Insects, I can't take, because some, notably ants, are like the British and love to have colonies. If you're an ant, you can forget about ever having privacy.

     Insects, I can't take, because too many humans own insecticide. And many of them claim to be against chemical warfare. Someone call Amnesty Insect-national.

     Insects, I can't take, because humans step on them and don't even notice. And when they do, their biggest concern is scraping the remains off their shoes.

     Yes, being an insect isn't too pleasant. But come to think of it, I'd rather be an insect than a member of a hateful church like Matthew Hale's.