MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN - "SOMEONE TURN DOWN THE HEAT!"

MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
"SOMEONE TURN DOWN THE HEAT!"

What a sweltering summer we're having. It's been so hot in many parts of America that even atheists have been tempted to pray:

"Dear God,

We need a big favor. Can you please turn down the heat? We're not sure who turned it up, but we think it may be your way of showing us what it's like in hell. If that's the case, we get the message. We believe. We'll never question your existence again. Now please turn the temperature down just a few degrees, before our cars start melting. We've already had to mop up our patio furniture. Thank you in advance."

Perhaps we do need divine intervention. After all, the weather is the only thing man is powerless against, other than PMS.

I usually don't complain about warm weather. In fact, summer is my favorite season, partly because I can wear shorts and sandals without getting frostbite.

Compared to my friends, I have a high tolerance of heat. That's why I don't own an air conditioner, though my apartment sometimes feels like Texas.

But this summer has been exceptionally hot, with the temperature often rising higher than my IQ. A few nights were so warm that I was tempted to sleep in my refrigerator. And I would have, too, if I were just a little shorter.

It's been so hot that:

---Calista Flockhart of "Ally McBeal" was spotted eating some ice cream. And she almost ate a second spoonful.

---Dennis Rodman, the colorful basketball player, was spotted wearing a bikini. And some people are already wondering if he's cute enough to appear in Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue, proving that they've all been out in the sun too long.

---Scientists recently detected beads of sweat on the Statue of Liberty. But they're still searching for signs of life on Al Gore.

---Campbell Soup Co. has changed the directions on its cans to "Just pour and eat."

---Water in public swimming pools is
evaporating so fast that children are being encouraged to swim in the deep end and keep ignoring the "no peeing" rule.

As if the heat isn't bad enough, in many parts of the country, including Pennsylvania, people are suffering through a persistent drought, one that has been especially hard on farmers. Not only are their crops wilting, some of their dairy cows are producing powdered milk. Don't be surprised if milk cartons in the stores soon display this label: 2% milk, 98% air.

It's no wonder that some states are imposing drastic restrictions on water use.

---New Jersey: No bathing or showering more than once a month. Bathing in the ocean or in pairs is encouraged.
---Michigan: American cars must not be washed more than once a week. Washing Japanese cars is strictly prohibited. German cars may be driven into the lake.
---New York: No drinking more than four glasses of water a day. Beer may be consumed at will or at swill.
---Minnesota: Anyone who wastes water will be asked to wrestle with the governor.
---Pennsylvania: Private swimming pools must not be filled or topped off. The governor's pool is exempt.
---Texas: Illegal aliens are not allowed to drink American water. They must bring their own.

Melvin Durai, a graduate of Towson State University and a former Baltimorean, is a humor columnist at the Chambersburg, Pa., Public Opinion.
Write to him at mdurai@mail.cvn.net or 77 N. Third St., Chambersburg, Pa. 17201.

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