MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN - "MURDERERS GAIN TOO MUCH FAME"

During the fourth quarter of a recent exhibition football game, a fan decided to liven up the action by running across the field. A television commentator gave the fan an apt name -- "idiot" -- and the cameras glanced away. No point in giving the "idiot" a few seconds of fame. If every unruly fan were given television exposure, many of them would continually face a tough choice: to run onto the field and make fools of themselves or run to the concession stand for more beer.

Somehow the media doesn't apply the same wisdom to a group of certifiable idiots: mass murderers. I'm tired of them gaining fame. They shoot a bunch of innocent people and soon everyone knows their names and faces. The typical American can name Mark Barton, the Atlanta killer, but ask them who's the vice president and they may say, "Al Dole."

Scoundrels like Barton, Klebold, Harris, Kinkel, Cunanan and others have all received more attention than they deserved. They've been profiled extensively by the media, their faces appearing on the covers of countless magazines and newspapers.  These losers didn't even deserve to appear on toilet paper.

Of course, the media has a duty to cover shooting sprees. And boy, do we take this duty seriously. Every major newspaper, magazine and broadcast network sends its own reporters, preferring not to rely on wire services like The Associated Press and Reuters. Soon there are more notebook-waving reporters on the scene than gun-pointing cops. And they want to know every little detail about the shooter, even whether he prefers boxers or briefs.

They interview his parents: Did you see any warning signs? Did he talk back to you?  Did he mistreat the dog? Did he watch Jerry Springer?

They interview his girlfriend: Did he ever hit you? Did he use bad language? Did he try to take you to Woodstock '99?

They interview his teachers: Was he a bad student? Was he ever late for class? Did he believe in evolution?

They interview his friends: Did he ever threaten anyone? Did he smoke anything? Did he wear his cap backwards?

They interview his employer: Did he take a drug test? Did he ever steal anything? Did he ever burn the office coffee pot?

Of course, they're trying to find out what would drive someone to commit such a horrendous act. Did he lose all his money on the stock market? Did he hate people of other races? Did he open his mouth so wide that his brain fell out?

Whatever the reason, none of these murderers should get so much fame. So what should the media do? Perhaps we need to follow the example of the football commentator and assign murderers appropriate names, such as Idiot A, Idiot B, Idiot C and so on. 

That way, a CNN anchor could just say, "Idiot A went on a shooting spree today, killing nine innocent people. Police arrested Idiot A and stuck his idiot butt in jail. Here's a report by CNN's murder expert Guns Smith."

Smith: "I just spoke to Idiot A's parents.  They're both in shock. They can't believe their son turned into such an idiot. He was always polite, loved his dog and never watched Jerry Springer. But I did find some exclusive information about Idiot A: He always wore boxers. I believe it's a sign that he wanted more freedom."