From mdurai@mail.cvn.net Sat Sep 11 22:41:31 1999 Date: Tue, 31 Aug 1999 22:40:07 -0400 From: Melvin Durai To: Editor Subject: Melvin Durai's Humor Column [The following text is in the "iso-8859-1" character set] [Your display is set for the "US-ASCII" character set] [Some characters may be displayed incorrectly] MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN "IT'S EASIER TO BE RICH THAN WE THINK" Who wants to be a millionaire? Please take a number. I^Òm not Regis Philbin or Ed McMahon, but I can still help you. I can share the secrets of becoming an instant millionaire in America. There are only four proven methods of earning wealth overnight: (1) Playing the lottery. It just takes a dollar or two to get started and, if you^Òre really serious about it, you can make your entire paycheck disappear. Of course, the chances of winning the lottery are equal to the chances of Dan Quayle becoming president. But that hasn't stopped him. (2) Suing someone. It's one of the wonders of the legal system. If you're creative, you can sue someone for almost anything that goes wrong in your life. Can^Òt lose weight? Sue your grocery store for stocking Spam. Can^Òt go to bed before midnight? Sue Jay Leno for being so entertaining. Can^Òt get a job? Sue Burger King for requiring you to comb your hair. (3) Starting your own Internet company and going public. First you need to create a catchy name for your company^Òs web site. Priceline.com is taken, but you could start an online soup kitchen for Asians with Riceline.com. Newsweek.com is taken, but you could start a Larry King celebrity site with Newsgeek.com. Hotjobs.com is taken, but you could start a Mafia recruitment site with Hitjobs.com. The next step is to go public, selling shares in your company to anyone who^Òs crazy enough to buy. This is known as an IPO (Increasing Prosperity Overnight). Your company may end up losing millions of dollars, but don't worry -- you^Òll be too rich to care. (4) Making your own low-budget scary movie in the woods. It worked for the producers of "Blair Witch Project" and it can work for you. All you need is a video camera and three friends who know how to scream. Acting ability not required. The less you spend, the more you^Òll make in profits, so try to avoid luxuries like costumes, special effects, and scripts. If none of these get-rich-quick schemes work, don^Òt worry. You don^Òt need all that money anyway. Whether you realize it or not, you^Òre already quite wealthy. Your net worth is immeasurable. No, I haven^Òt been drinking. And I haven^Òt been partying with George W. Bush. I^Òm just trying to measure wealth in a more accurate way. Take your health, for example. If you somehow contracted a deadly disease, what would you give up to regain your health? Every single penny you own -- and maybe even your color TV. What about your darling children and doting parents? How much are they worth to you? Certainly more than the microwave. Perhaps even the computer. If you really think about it, you'd be willing to give up everything you own to get your children back from a kidnapper. Heck, you may even be willing to car pool. And what about your significant other? You wouldn't trade him or her for anything less than a Lexus. And fully loaded, too. Then, of course, there's your freedom. You take it for granted, but just try spending a few days in a country where you can^Òt make an insulting joke about the president. You'd be in prison faster than you can say, "Lewinsky." So be careful. While you^Òre searching for all that money, you may be overlooking things that are worth a whole lot more. Like your sanity. -------------------------------------------------------- Melvin Durai is a humor columnist at the Chambersburg Public Opinion in Pennsylvania. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read previous columns at http://www.cvn.net/mdurai To comment on this column, send a message to mdurai@mail.cvn.net