From mdurai@mail.cvn.net Sat Sep 11 22:41:42 1999 Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1999 22:26:01 -0400 From: Melvin Durai To: Editor Subject: Melvin Durai's Humor Column [The following text is in the "iso-8859-1" character set] [Your display is set for the "US-ASCII" character set] [Some characters may be displayed incorrectly] MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN "THERE'S MUCH TO APPRECIATE ABOUT FOOTBALL" Football season has arrived, so please hold all my calls and e-mail until February. I'm going to be busy cheering my favorite team, the Seattle Seahawks, all the way to the Super Bowl in Atlanta. I hope someone buys them tickets. As a diehard pro football fan, I'm puzzled why some people don't appreciate the sport. Perhaps they don't understand its nuances. Football is similar to chess, but with more action and fewer Russians. Perhaps I need to explain the game for all those misguided people who'd rather mow their lawns on Sunday afternoon than spend it usefully on the couch. Football is really quite simple: ---Games are 60 minutes long. The actual length of the games is about three hours, if you include timeouts, injuries, and the time it takes players to climb off each other. The actual playing time is about 18 seconds. Unless you count player celebrations, which take up about two hours. ---The team with the ball has four chances to gain at least 10 yards. They can run with the ball or throw it. A touchdown is scored when an offensive player enters the end zone and spikes the ball. ---A yellow flag means someone goofed. Each official keeps a flag in his back pocket and throws it on the ground whenever he spots an infraction. This is an appealing part of football because it is the only time most women get to see a man picking up after himself. ---Heavy players are usually not supposed to handle the ball. They might accidentally eat it. If you see a fat guy running with the ball, it probably means two things: (1) A small guy has fumbled the ball. (2) The team doctor is waiting on the sidelines with an oxygen tank. ---Kicking the ball is generally illegal. Though it's called "football," the only players who can kick the ball are the punter and the kicker. The kicker usually faces a lot of pressure. When he misses a field goal, he risks not only getting cut from the team, but also being deported. ---Cheerleaders are essential. Otherwise, fans who go to the games would have to spend timeouts hitting each other. Knowledgeable fans should also be aware of several changes in the National Football League (NFL) this year, including: ---Specially marked balls. During a Seahawks-Jets game last year, an official awarded the winning touchdown to the Jets after mistaking a player's helmet for a ball. So this year, balls have been specially marked with the word "FOOTBALL!" If this doesn't work, the commissioner plans to mark helmets next year. ---Instant replay. When an official flubs a call, a coach can challenge it. The referee will have 90 seconds to review the instant replay on the sidelines, sticking his face about three inches from a television screen, an easier option than buying prescription glasses. The referee will then return to the field and declare the replay "hazy." This adds credibility to the game. ---New Redskins owner. Daniel Snyder has bought the Washington Redskins and promptly erased former owner Jack Kent Cooke's name from the stadium and other places. But the NFL, acting swiftly, blocked Snyder from removing the late Cooke's name from his own tombstone. To recoup the $800 million he spent on the team, Snyder plans to charge fans $10 for hot dogs, $15 for beers, and $30 to whip head coach Norv Turner after every loss. Fans are already standing in line. -------------------------------------------------------- Melvin Durai is a humor columnist at the Chambersburg Public Opinion in Pennsylvania. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read previous columns at http://www.cvn.net/mdurai To comment on this column, send a message to mdurai@mail.cvn.net