MELVIN DURAI'S AMUZING LIFE
"BUSH ISN'T ALONE IN HIS IGNORANCE"

     You have to feel bad for George W. Bush. Poor guy is being portrayed as a dope. And he isn't even president yet.

     Bush, governor of Texas and GOP
presidential front-runner, couldn't name a few foreign leaders in a recent interview and the media ridiculed him, as though he had done something really crazy, like hiring Howard Stern as his foreign policy adviser.

     Stern: "I'm telling you, George. We've got to find a way to improve relations with India. They've got some really hot babes over there."

     I have a confession to make: I couldn't name most of those leaders either -- and I actually grew up abroad. If I were running for
president, this is how I'd answer the
questions posed to Bush by Boston
political correspondent Andy Hiller:

     Hiller: "Can you name the president of Chechnya?"

     Me: "Chechnya? I've never even heard of Chechnya. Is that a country or a new Internet search engine? Couldn't they have come up with a simpler name, like Yahoo or Lycos? Now I'm going to have to bookmark it."

     Hiller: "Can you name the president of Taiwan?"

     Me: "That's a really good question, Andy, because I've heard of Taiwan. Hmmm... Let me think about that one. Is it Chang? No, wait, it's Deng. Or maybe it's Mao. It's got to be one of those Asian-sounding names. I know it's not Smith or Lewinsky."

     Hiller asked Bush to name the leaders of four countries -- the others were India and Pakistan -- and Bush came up with one first name (Lee) and no last names.
Unfortunately for him, none were easy
names and he couldn't really guess,
because Hiller didn't offer him the courtesy of multiple choice. Talk about a tough reporter.

     When Hiller asked Bush to name the
"general who is in charge of Pakistan," Bush gave his most amusing answer:
"The new Pakistani general, he's just
been elected -- not elected, this guy took over office. It appears this guy is going to bring stability to the country and I think that's good news for the subcontinent."

     Yes, it's always good news when there's a military coup in a country that has nuclear power. We can only hope that "this guy" doesn't turn into "that rascal."

     Imagine Bush's presidential speech in
2001: "My fellow Americans, I have terrible news. It appears that the general in charge of Pakistan has gone too far. That rascal, General what's-his-name, has pointed a nuclear missile at one of our national treasures. For some odd reason, that
rascal wants to destroy the Playboy
mansion. But rest assured we're taking every precaution and have warned Bill
Clinton to move out."

     For the record, the names of those leaders are Aslan Maskhadov (Chechnya), Lee
Teng-hui (Taiwan), Pervez Musharraf
(Pakistan), and Atal Behari Vajpayee (India). They're not exactly household names in America, but that's a good thing. To be a famous foreign leader in America, you have to be a villain like Saddam Hussein or Slobodan Milosevic. Nice guys don't cut it.

     Let's face it, even if Bush knew those names, he would have trouble pronouncing them. Aslan Maskhadov would become
"A-slain Masked-dove," Pervez Musharraf would become "Perverse Mushroom," and
Atal Behari Vajpayee would become
"A-tall Big-hairy Veggie-pie."

     I'd rather have him say "this guy." It's much better for foreign relations.