Some years ago, someone in my newspaper's advertising department came up with a brilliant idea for Valentine's Day -- asking readers to buy ads proclaiming their love for the most adorable, reliable and undemanding members of their family: their pets.

    The idea was a hit, as I realized recently when I scanned all the loving messages in the Valentine's Day paper. I found six greetings for favorite teachers, 43 for significant others, and 51 for dogs, cats, horses, bunnies and rodents. (None for fish.)

    I have to admit that I was a little surprised by all these touching words. I didn't realize that so many pets had started to read. I thought they were all illiterate.

    But Bill Clinton's literacy programs must be doing wonders. And to think some people want to impeach him!

    I'm sure the newspaper's circulation director is excited about these smart pets. He's always looking for new subscribers. Especially the kind that can't call to complain.

    Of course, I could be wrong in my assumption. It's possible that the pets didn't read the words themselves. They just looked at the pictures of themselves. And they probably thought, "Boy, if only humans looked this good." Or perhaps they saw the other pet pictures and got excited, thinking they were personal ads. "It's about time I was matched up. Though I'd never go out with that boxer. He's such a dog."

    Even if the pets didn't notice them, the ads were a good way for people to demonstrate their love. They're certainly cheaper than jewelry. And they last longer than flowers. Especially if you wallpaper the doghouse with them.

    While the divorce rate is soaring, many Americans are growing closer to their pets, proving that the key to a good relationship is to keep communication to a minimum.

    Men and women like pets as companions for different reasons.

    Men like pets because they don't complain about dirty dishes, don't want you to send them flowers, don't spend hours in the bathroom, don't expect you to remember their birthdays, never say, "Charge it," never bring home their mothers, don't care if you watch football all day, don't talk back to you, don't ask where you've been, never need a new wardrobe, don't nag you, don't need to be complimented, never ask for a commitment, never complain about your driving, can be trained to fetch the paper and don't have monthly mood swings.

    Women like pets because they never leave the toilet seat up, never come home drunk, don't know how to use the remote control, aren't interested in watching sports, don't expect a different meal every day, are always willing to cuddle, aren't too proud to beg, don't care about your weight, are always eager to go for walks, lick the ground you walk on, don't cheat on you, always come when you call them and can be put on a leash.

    It's no wonder people are willing to buy ads for their pets. And soon we'll have pet personals, pet restaurants, pet Olympics, Pethouse magazine, and a law against people dating their pets.