For just a few minutes, let's give Bill Clinton the benefit of the doubt.

     Let's say he didn't do any of this. Let's say he's been telling the truth all along. Let's say we don't need a sign outside the White House that reads, "Beware of the president."

     If all the allegations are false -- if he didn't have an affair with Gennifer "Give me 15 minutes of fame for 15 minutes of shame" Flowers, if he didn't harass Paula "I'd rather sleep with the president's money" Jones, if he didn't seduce Monica "Interns do it for the experience" Lewinsky, and if he didn't molest Kathleen "I wasn't looking for that kind of job" Willey -- then we should all get on our knees and beg for forgiveness.

     We have committed a great injustice not only to Clinton but to the highest office in the land, once occupied by honorable men like Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan who couldn't even spell the word "affair."

     Imagine what life has been like for Clinton, a man who's been married to only one woman, fielding instrusive questions, some from journalists who are running a tab in divorce court.

     Reporter: "Mr. President, have you ever had sex with Miss. Lewinsky?"

     Clinton: "No, I have not."

     Reporter: "Have you ever thought about having sex with her?"

     Clinton: "No, I have not."

     Reporter: "Are you planning to have sex with her, and if so, will it be televised?"

     We should all write letters of apology to Clinton: "Dear Mr. President, I'm really sorry I didn't believe you. It was stupid of me not to trust a man who never inhaled. I should have been satisfied that Hillary didn't make you sleep on the couch. I should have been satisfied that Chelsea still lets you meet her friends. Please accept my heartfelt apology, along with a donation to your favorite charity, McDonald's."

     We should also allow him to fulfill five of his dearest wishes:

• To appoint the honorable Kenneth Starr to a position no American has held before: U.S. ambassador to Mars.
• To forbid the media from using any of these words or their synonyms: sex, affair, scandal, accusation, harrassment, draft dodger, marijuana, Whitewater, fund-raiser, donation, and Lewinsky.
• To create a legacy for his administration by passing laws that provide health care for everyone, except illegal aliens, criminals and journalists.
• To ban John Travolta and anyone else associated with the Clinton-based movie "Primary Colors" from ever receiving an Oscar or a tax break.
• To stay in the White House for four more years to make up for the time wasted on denials, time that could have been spent trying to fight our nation's worst enemy, a Hispanic scoundrel named El Nino.

     Considering the trouble we've put Clinton through and all the time and money we've spent on these scandals, perhaps we should hope and pray he's guilty of something -- anything.

     Reporter: "Mr. President, during the last six years, did you ever spend a private moment in the Oval Office with Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue?"